


When I See You Again

by noxsoulmate



Series: When I See You Again [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blow Jobs, Community: deancasbigbang, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean is in a band, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2016, Doctor Castiel, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gabriel is a cat, I mean ... duh. Dean's a singer after all, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s), Reunion Sex, Reunions, Shower Sex, Singer Dean, Smut, Song Lyrics, Songwriter Dean, Switching, based on many songs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 11:25:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8325976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxsoulmate/pseuds/noxsoulmate
Summary: It has been ten years since Dean Winchester left his hometown and moved to L.A. Ten years since Castiel Novak, his best friend and the love of his life, ended the relationship and set Dean free, so they could both follow their dreams. Now they’re both where they wanted to be in their careers, but what about their hearts? What will happen when Dean Winchester comes home after ten years for the concert of his life?





	1. Prologue: Loving Can Hurt Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [On different paths - Auf Anderen Wegen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2701709) by [deanisbiandsoami](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami). 



> I’m back :D  
> Please read this note, it really is important for the fic:  
> 1) This fic is based on a drabble from my friend afraidoffallingangelsinthedark (link above) – to get the full experience of this story and universe, you should check it out first, because it can be read as a prequel. You’ll find quotes from her drabble during the first part of my fic, those are clearly marked like this: * quote in italic * and are to be read like flashbacks or memories.  
> 2) One of the songs this story (and my friend’s drabble) is based on is actually a German song. I didn’t like any of the translations I found online, so with a little help from my friends I made my own translation. We tried to stay as true as possible to the German lyrics, but sometimes we had to go with just the meaning to make sure it still sounds good. I’d recommend listening to the song – even if you don’t understand the words, the melody will tell you all. You’ll find a link to this and the other important songs within the story.
> 
> Now that we got that out of the way:  
> This is my first DCBB and I am THRILLED :D it was so much fun. I have a little postscript with the people I’d like to thank, but two people I really need to name here:  
> My artist, horrorfemme ([NowMakeThemKiss](http://archiveofourown.org/users/NowMakeThemKiss/)): I love your art, it is so amazing! Thank you so, so much. Guys, you should really check her out [here](http://horrorfemme1138.tumblr.com/) and [here](https://imgur.com/a/UJmF6)  
> And of course my wonderful beta: Sarah ([Feathers7501](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501/)), I can honestly say that this fic is what it’s now because of you (so you should all thank her ;) ) – I love working with you, I love tossing around ideas with you, I love your way of correcting my fics and helping me … basically I love you <3
> 
> Have fun reading and listening to the wonderful songs.

 

 

**Prologue: Loving Can Hurt Sometimes**

Dean Winchester was standing on the balcony of his loft, looking out over the Pacific Ocean.

Soft music from his favorite radio station was wafting through the open doors. It was early evening, the sun already on its way down for yet another beautiful sunset. Dean’s guitar lay forgotten on the sofa he kept out there, the sheets of half-finished music strewn all over the table, saved from the soft breeze by the whiskey tumbler and the decanter; the balcony had always been the best place for him to create new songs.

Not tonight, it seemed. Not anymore.

He checked his phone again. The screen was black, long forgotten and in sleep mode. He pressed the button to wake it up, swiped the screen lock, and entered his code. The text from Charlie was still open.

_The concert is confirmed, Monterey is now on your tour schedule. No backing out, Winchester!_

Dean read it over and over again until the screen went black once more. Monterey was part of his tour now.

It was a last minute call: One of the top acts from this year's Monterey Music Festival had dropped out at the last minute and the event organizer had called around for help. Charlie, his crazy friend and manager, had jumped at the opportunity. The date was set only a week before his actual tour started in San Francisco, so it was perfect. At least in her eyes.

Benny, that sonofabitch, had backed her up, as had Ash and lastly the girls. They all knew Dean’s background story, knew what it meant to him, and had pushed for it anyway. In the end, Charlie had contacted the event organizer.

An hour ago, she had sent him the text with the confirmation.

The current song faded out and the radio announcer’s voice drifted through the early evening air. “Just this moment, some great news has reached us, folks. Guess who’ll fill in for the Sunday concert of this year’s Monterey Music Festival.” The announcer’s voice sounded excited and Dean contemplated switching off the live stream. He’d always loved the Monterey radio station he’d once worked for while in college and live streaming it was his way to stay in contact. Right now, though, he felt like it was a stupid idea.

The announcer went on: “Let’s see if you can guess when I play this …”

The first few chords of “On Different Paths” played, the tell-tale soft melody along with his sad voice chanting the haunting intro of “Dah dum dum dum”. Dean closed his eyes, trying to keep his emotions in check.

“Oh yes, you guessed it. Dean Winchester, I repeat: Dean freaking Winchester and his band Purgatory will be the final top act this year. You heard it folks. Monterey’s very own prodigal son is finally coming home. I mean, it’s only been ten years and L.A. is really far away … Okay, nope, all jokes aside. It’s great to hear that Dean Winchester has finally decided to come home to give a concert in his home town. Two more weeks everybody, two more weeks. Make sure to check for available tickets and …”

Dean tuned the voice out, gazing over the ocean. The view had always reminded him of the view they had from Castiel’s house.

Cas.

Ten years.

It had been ten years now, but that day was still just as clear in his mind as if it had been yesterday.

_* Cas lifted one hand, putting it to the side of Dean’s face, pulling him down to press their foreheads together. “I can’t do this anymore,” Cas whispered. “I’ve changed ... we’ve both changed too much, Dean.” *_

Dean closed his eyes again, willing the memories away. Ten years and it was still so painful.

“Now, let’s get in the right mood, shall we? I hereby declare this evening to be a Dean Winchester tribute, oh yeah. Let’s kick it off with the one song that made this handsome fellow famous. We all know the story behind it – or at least the story he claims this song is based on. This is for all of you as well as Dean Winchester’s first love. Who knows, maybe he’ll meet the lucky girl again …”

The cold feeling in his stomach only grew worse. His first love. They still thought it was a girl. Still never knew the truth about him.

“[On Different Paths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unMqckjC8Fs)” started again and this time Dean reached for his whiskey. Nine years since he’d written this song, and it still managed to rip his heart out. What the hell had he been thinking putting their break-up into a song?

 

_You want to walk, I'd rather spring_

_When you talk, I want to sing_

_You grow roots, I have to fly_

 

_* “You want different things, Dean. I can’t give you all that you want.” *_

 

_We denied the silence around us_

_Where has our love gone?_

_* “This isn’t love anymore. I can’t change it and I won’t let you change it. I’m sorry, Dean, but we don’t work.” *_

_I feel young and you feel old_

_We're gonna fall, we’ve got no hold_

_We have to move_

_I agree, you disapprove_

_We walk on different paths_

 

_* Cas grabbed Dean’s hand to put it on his heart and placed his own hand over Dean’s. “It’s not the same rhythm anymore,” Cas said. *_

Looking at his hand, it was as if he could still feel Cas’ heartbeat under his fingertips.

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

 

As the chorus repeated, Dean all but dropped the whiskey tumbler on the table while running inside, almost slapping his laptop shut. The chords played on for one, two, three more seconds, then went silent.

Closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath, Dean tried to compose himself.

How could Charlie do this to him?

He felt the first tear slip down his cheek and sucked in a shaky breath before getting up and wiping the tear away.

 _“Maybe it will do you good,”_ he could still hear Charlie’s cheery voice. _“Maybe you’ll see each other again. Maybe reconnect. Think about all the things you’d like to tell him.”_

Okay, so perhaps his crazy friend had that point right at least. There were so many things he wished he could tell Cas. And it wasn’t all just because he had been his first and only real love. Long before that, they had been friends. Best friends. Just like he had never been able to have another real relationship after Cas, he had never called anyone else his best friend. Charlie and Benny and even the rest of his band definitely qualified for that position and yes, in some ways they were his best friends … just not … well, not his Best Friends.

That had always been Cas and with the years apart, Dean had come to realize that not only did he miss Cas’ as his partner and lover, he also missed their companionship, their friendship, the way they used to be inseparable. They had been Best Friends long before they knew what love and friendship even was.

Sometimes he wondered if Cas still thought of him and if he would talk to Dean if they ran into each other. There was so much he wanted to tell Cas if … when he saw him again.

Dean’s head snapped up. A sudden inspiration struck him and he walked back out onto the balcony, his steps full of purpose. Snatching up the music sheets, he put the one he’d started earlier aside. He might come back to it later, but he wasn’t sure. His heart hadn’t really been in it so it might just end up in the trash. Putting a fresh, blank sheet on a large book he balanced on his knee, he started to put down the words flooding around his head.

 

This was how Dean Winchester worked. Usually, it was the words that came to him first, the melody followed. There had been exceptions, songs where the music had come before the lyrics and others where he’d composed both at the same time. But usually, this was the normal order of things.

Unsurprisingly, Dean lost himself in creating the new song. He missed the beautiful sunset, missed the moment the red fireball hit the horizon. It didn’t matter; no sunset ever rivaled the ones he had watched with Cas.

The lights on his balcony went on automatically when a certain level of darkness was reached, no movement needed. Charlie had made sure of that a long time ago, all too well aware of her friend’s bad habit of writing even in the dark, hurting his eyes without realizing it.

The first draft for the lyrics was finished not long after. Dean read over it again before finally picking up his guitar, starting on the music. He alternated between strumming the strings, scribbling down notes on the sheets, and adding the lyrics, bringing them into an order that pleased him.

It was close to sunrise when he was finally satisfied, only now realizing he had worked through the night. He wanted to call up his band right away to get started on the song, but he knew he needed sleep. Almost nine years in the business had taught him that he was of no use if he hadn’t had at least four hours of shut eye.

Before going to bed, he shot a text to Ash, letting him know he needed his help to finalize this new song, since it would have rap elements in it. After that, he pulled up the band’s group chat and left a message, letting everybody know that they would get to work on a new song this afternoon.

Putting the sheet music on his bedside table, he stripped down to his boxers and got under the covers. Just as he had closed his eyes, they snapped open again. Pulling the sheet music over, he picked up the pen he always kept by his bed and scribbled the title on top. Satisfied, he finally drifted off to sleep, his new song “When I See You Again” right next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Ed Sheeran, “Photograph”  
> Song lyrics: Andreas Bourani, “Auf anderen Wegen” (On Different Paths)  
> (The video I tagged for you is the only one that seems to play in America. Sadly, that means you miss out on how amazing it sounds when a whole band performs it. But I like that it’s a version with a single guitar, cause it simply fits Dean.)


	2. Chapter One: It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is set in Monterey – I’ve only been there once and that was fifteen years ago. But I loved it so much and it simply fit so well with being close to L.A. I did as much research as I could, but if you’re from that area and you find any significant mistake, please let me know.

**Chapter One: It’s All Coming Back To Me Now**  

The first time Doctor Castiel Novak heard about it, it was just some gossip between two nurses combined with too much giggling. The only words he could hear clearly were “Dean Winchester” and “concert”. Oh. Right. Dean was due to start his US tour in a few weeks and if Cas wasn’t mistaken, the band would open in San Francisco … okay, who was he kidding? Of course he wasn’t mistaken, Cas was aware of Purgatory’s tour schedule … okay, fine, so he had it memorized, screw it, whatever.

Annoyed at himself, Cas pushed those thoughts to the back of his head and left the hospital. All he wanted was a long, hot shower and some food before cuddling up with Gabriel on the couch and probably falling asleep there as well. It had been a long shift at the Monterey Peninsula Community Hospital where he was one of the pediatricians. Working with children was rewarding, but also exhausting at times.

When he got home, he was happy to see that his house was still intact, something he could never predict since Gabriel had entered his life three years prior. He found the little trickster in his favorite spot on the couch, as if he was already waiting for Castiel.

“Hello, Gabe. I see you decided to leave the house unscathed. How come?”

A lazy meow that became a yawn was the Egyptian Mau’s answer. At the end of the yawn, Gabe fell back on his back and stretched, pawing at the backrest of the couch as if to quickly create some damage just so Cas wouldn’t get used to a day without extra claw marks. Yep, that was Gabriel in a nutshell.

Giving him a scratch behind his furry ears, Cas left his cat on the couch and went upstairs to shower and change, before he made his way into the kitchen. Gabriel joined him for dinner as he usually did, before making his way back to the couch, while Cas put the dishes in the sink and cleaned up a bit, wiping the counters and around Gabe’s food and water bowls. He left the thorough cleaning for his day off.

Cuddling up in front of the TV with his little trickster and watching a documentary while slowly falling asleep was one of Cas’ favorite things to do … which, yeah, was kind of pathetic, but no one but him and Gabriel knew, so no harm done.

~*~

The second time Cas heard about it was the next morning. He had a text message from Anna, a nurse at the hospital and not only one of his closest friends, but also his adopted sister. It only read _Have you heard the news about Dean? How are you feeling?_

It confused Cas, but when he asked what she was talking about, he got no answer. Anna had sent her text at 4.27 am and chances were she was either home by now and asleep, or still at the hospital and too busy to answer him.

He resisted the urge to google Dean. It would do him no good to fall back into that black hole. Rather, he spent his few free hours with Gabe and a good book before he had to get ready for the hospital again.

~*~

The third time he heard about it was when he arrived at work later that day and made his way to the break room to see if Anna was there. He heard excited voices in the distance and as the doctor got closer he spotted Anna among half a dozen chatting nurses and other doctors.

“What’s with all the excitement in here?” he asked, getting their attention while leaning against the doorframe.

“Oh, Castiel, haven’t you heard?” April asked while smiling sweetly at him. She was a nurse who Cas was pretty sure had never gotten the memo about his sexual orientation.

“He must have, we all know he’s a closet-fan of him and his music.” That was Ruby, one of the few nurses Cas never really got along with. She was just a tad too brusque and brassy in Cas’ eyes. Not like Meg, a surgeon who was all that as well, but in a … well, just in another way that somehow made it okay to deal with. Ruby was as hard as nails, vulgar and derisive in her manner and speech, and without any class at all. Meg, however, tempered her clever tongue with genuine charm and a concern for those closest to her. And she always knew when a situation called for better manners, while Ruby did not or simply didn’t care.

Speaking of his other close friend and co-worker: Meg was there as well, sitting right next to Anna. Looking towards his two friends for an explanation, Cas wished he hadn’t. There was a thinly veiled look of pity in Anna’s eyes, before she lifted today’s newspaper. In bold letters the head line read “Dean Winchester: Coming Home At Last” and then something about the Monterey Music Festival and suddenly, it all made sense.

Swallowing, Cas tried to look unimpressed. “So? What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal? Well, I’ll show you.” That came from Bartholomew, one of the few male nurses on the team and one of the people in this hospital that definitely _had_ gotten the memo about his sexual orientation. He was holding up a handful of tickets. “As soon as I heard the news I talked to my father. As expected, he got some VIP tickets for me and some friends.”

Of course. It was well known how wealthy Bartholomew’s family was; after all, he mentioned it every chance he got. Cas was particularly aware, as Bart had tried to use it to get Cas interested in dating him. Not that Bart wasn’t a good-looking guy, but for many reasons Cas was absolutely not interested and he had made this clear countless times. Just like April, however, Bart was insistent with his advances.

“Naturally,” he now continued, his smile as haughty as ever, “you’re one of those friends invited.”

“No, thanks.” The rejection was out before Cas could even think about it, because this felt way too much like a date in his eyes.

“Oh, come on, Cassie, don’t be like that. Like Ruby pointed out: we all know you like his music, even if you pretend you don’t.”

Of course he liked Dean, just not in the way his co-workers thought he did. And even though he would like to see the man again, there was no way he would go on a date with Bart, no matter how many others joined them. The way Bart looked at him made his intentions pretty clear, and if nothing else, he had learned his lesson that it was not worth it starting something at his workplace.

“Maybe it’s not the musician,” a voice drawled from behind Castiel and he tried to keep his annoyed growl inside. Speak of the devil. Michael appeared next to him, putting one arm over Cas’ shoulders. It might have appeared casual to unknowing onlookers, just a gesture between two friends. But the thing was: they weren’t friends and Michael’s arm over his shoulders was anything but a casual gesture. “Maybe it’s the guy asking him out.”

“Which you would know all about, wouldn’t you?” Bart replied with venom, his eyes growing colder in an instant. Michael wasn’t backing down, his hold on Castiel’s shoulders only becoming more possessive. Which was absolutely ludicrous, since Michael had no right to this behavior, and Cas would be damned if he let him. Shrugging the surgeon’s arm off, he sent him a quick glare and stepped into the room. Before either man could go on, Meg got up and plucked the tickets out of Bartholomew’s hand.

“Cool down, boys, and keep it in your pants. By now you should know that Clarence doesn’t want to see _either_ of you without pants.”

At that, Michael’s smirk was back, yet Meg was quick to defuse the situation. “Not anymore and you know it, so shut it, Michael. Everybody here knows what happened, no one cares and quite frankly: your inability to accept a No is bordering on harassment.” Turning first towards April, then Bart, she pointed at them with the tickets. “Same goes for you two. We’re not _Grey’s Anatomy_ here or even worse, _Doctor Sexy, M.D._ , so it would be great if all of you could keep the fucking drama out of the hospital and leave Clarence alone.”

And that right there was why he was friends with Meg. That woman was something else and he could kiss her right now. At moments like this he was even able to overlook her annoying habit of calling him Clarence. Seriously, just because he was named after an angel didn’t mean he was one and was on earth to get his wings.

“And you,” Meg continued, turning her gaze on him. All of a sudden, he wished Meg had never known about Dean. “You’re going. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. This isn’t a date, after all.”

There wasn’t much Castiel could say to that without looking suspicious. Telling Bart no because he didn’t want it to look like a date was something his co-workers could understand. Saying no after it was determined that this was a group thing and nothing like a date would be harder to explain. After all, Ruby had been right, they all knew he liked Purgatory’s music, some even suspected he had a crush on Dean Winchester. If they only knew.

In the end, it was decided for him. Michael would join in as well, Bart probably inviting him to show he didn't fear him as a rival for Cas’ affection or some crap. As it turned out, most of the nurses and doctors in the room would join them and then some. Meg even made sure to get a ticket for her husband Balthazar, Cas’ closest friend outside of the hospital.

Once all was settled, there was hardly any time for the hospital staff to dwell on it. Cas was glad for the heavy work load, as the last thing he heard before leaving the break room was Nurse Becky and Nurse Tessa asking Anna all about Dean and their shared time at California State University in Monterey Bay. Before deciding to go into nursing school, Anna had dreamed about becoming an artist and attended the University for Music and Performing Arts. It had been just one semester, but during this time she had shared some classes with Dean and as they’d known each other since they’d been kids (a fact not many knew), they’d spent a lot of time together. The moment Dean’s fame had skyrocketed and with it the talk about his “mysterious” first love, a tremendous number of old pictures had suddenly surfaced, captured during shared study sessions or lunch breaks or even lazy afternoons at the beach where Dean would write music and Anna would draw him doing so. Naturally, Anna was one of the first women to be suspected to be Dean Winchester’s first love. She had taken the rumors in her stride, but debunked them right away. There had been other girls that had not been as gracious and since Dean never confirmed nor denied any rumors, all these girls had gotten their stories out to the public and stuck with them, bathing in the singer’s limelight.

Cas didn’t really care. He didn’t need the attention he’d most certainly get should the truth ever come out. It was why, in hindsight, he was happy Dean and he had never attended the same school or university. Most likely it was why none of the paparazzi had ever connected him to the world famous Dean Winchester.

~*~

Castiel was just finishing up his rounds, when he was suddenly yanked aside. Caught completely off guard, he had no time to react and only realized what had happened when the door behind him closed. He didn’t even need to look up to know he had been pulled into a supply room. He also didn’t need to check who had done so, the whole scene all too painfully familiar.

“What the hell? What do you want, Michael?”

The dark haired surgeon twisted his mouth in his typical smirk. Cas once thought that look enticing but now it almost made him gag every time he saw it. Michael moved right up into his personal space, giving him no other choice but to back up against the wall.

“Oh, but you know what I want,” the man said with what he probably thought of as a flirty voice. He even had the nerve to put his hands on the wall next to Cas’ head, effectively caging the pediatrician in.

Giving him a death glare, Cas really tried to stay calm. “And you should know by now that I don’t want the same thing. Never wanted it and never will want it.”

“I don’t even know why you’re acting like this,” Michael went on and his voice held an irritated note for sure. “I know you really want me and you know we’re perfect for each other.”

At that, Cas let out a single, mocking bark. “Perfect? What, because we’re both aiming to become heads of our departments? Yeah, I know that’s all you really want, right? For us to become the ‘power couple’ or some shit like that. Well, sorry, but I’ll pass.”

He tried to push out of the cage of Michael’s arms, but the other doctor didn’t budge. On the contrary, moving even closer.

“Don’t say that, Castiel. I know you enjoyed what we had.”

“What we had were a few mutual hand jobs in the supply closet when the pressure and stress of work became too much.” Cas made sure to let his voice sound extra cold and extra hard. Michael needed to understand that Cas had never seen him as more than some kind of distraction. He would have pity for the man, if Michael’s affection for him had been real and not just a way to get some kind of “trophy-boyfriend-slash-power-couple-material”. And knowing Michael that was all the surgeon ever cared for.

“As if that is all it ever was for you, Castiel,” Michael mumbled and then even had the audacity to lean in and nip at Cas’ throat.

The pediatrician saw red. Pushing Michael away, he didn’t care at all that the guy stumbled into a rack, barely holding himself upright. The shelf rattled while Michael’s eyes went wide in shock.

Cas didn’t even give him time to think. “If you _ever_ touch me again, I _will_ finally report you and declare it harassment. I gave you countless warnings and asked you time and time again to stop. You _never_ meant anything more to me than quick and simple release. Try to keep some of your dignity and stop being so delusional.”

He wanted to end his rant by leaving and slamming the door, but Michael was quicker, gripping his upper arm. The handsome face was ugly with rage. “Fine, have it your way, play the bratty virgin. I’ve had enough of your games. You know you’ll never find someone like me, but you had your chance. So when you finally realize all you could ever get is a slutty nurse like Bartholomew, don’t come crawling. Because I won’t take your sorry ass back.”

It was Michael that left, slamming the door, leaving a raging Castiel in his wake.

~*~

When Cas got home that night, he was still fuming, but it had simmered down a bit. Let Michael think whatever he wanted, at least now he’d hopefully leave him in peace.

Thanks to the busy day and even more thanks to the encounter with Michael, Cas didn’t have a chance to really think about Dean and the concert at all.

Now, that he was home and back on his couch with Gabriel in his arms, thoughts of the singer and their time together came flooding back. Had it really been ten years since he’d told Dean to leave? Why did the words still ring in his ears as if it had been just hours before?

_* “So what does this mean?” – “That means that we are over.” *_

Cas remembered the tears he had been blinking out of his eyes while saying those dreadful words. It still was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but also the one thing he knew he’d done right. Dean had always wanted to follow his music, had wanted to get on a stage and sing his songs. Cas knew that and he’d known that Dean wouldn’t be able to start his career here, in little Monterey. Sure, the university had been great, but Dean needed a big city like L.A. to get a foot in the door of the music business.

And yes, he could have gone with his boyfriend, but in the end it would have made him unhappy. He had always wanted to be a doctor and he had wanted it to be here, in Monterey, his home town. He had bought a house with the money his parents had left him as soon as he was old enough to do so.

Realizing Gabe’s fluffy fur and the purrs weren’t enough for tonight, Cas went to get a single glass of whiskey. Deciding that it was a night for self-pity, tears, and a trip down memory lane, he even made his way over to his music station, pulling up the list with all of Purgatory’s songs and set it on shuffle and repeat. Back on the couch, he nursed his whiskey and listened to the voice of the man he had once loved enough to let him go. After months and years of banishing all thoughts about the singer from his head, he finally allowed himself to really think about Dean and their history again.

They’d only been little kids when they’d first met, so different it was probably a surprise to most that they’d become friends at all. Cas had been quiet and shy, Dean loud and outgoing. It had changed when Dean had lost his mother shortly before his fifth birthday. Cas had been there for his friend, if only by sitting quietly next to him, pretending not to see the tears. It gave Dean the freedom to mourn his mother like a little kid should be able to. He didn’t have that freedom with his father. With his mother’s death, the little boy had somehow become the one responsible for his baby brother Sammy. It was a responsibility he hadn’t given up even now, almost 30 years later. Not that Cas knew first hand, but it was one of the things magazines liked to write about.

Cas still remembered the blank mask of four-year old Dean two days after his mother’s death. The preparations for Mary’s funeral had been taking their toll on Dean’s father. John who had seemed to only keep it together thanks to Bobby, his oldest friend. Castiel’s parents had offered to take Dean and Sam for a while so John could breathe and get it all done without worrying about his sons. That’s how Dean had found himself in Cas’ room, quiet, silent, closed off. It had felt wrong to Cas even back then. But instead of telling his friend how it would all be better soon, instead of telling him that he was sorry for his loss or that Mary was in a better place now or any of those things one told mourning people to “comfort” them, Cas had simply sat down next to Dean. He couldn’t remember how long they’d been sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall and staring into the distance, just sharing the silence between them. Somewhere during that time, Dean’s tears had started to fall and Cas had pretended not to see them.

It had been exactly what Dean had needed back then and he had told his friend as much when they’d been older.

Almost three years after Mary’s death, shortly after Cas’ eighth birthday, a car crash had taken his parents. Now it was the other way around, save only that Dean’s silent presence hadn’t been enough for Cas. He had lost both parents and had been an only child. He was alone now. Dean had held him while he had cried for hours, falling asleep in his best friend’s arms three nights in a row.

Dean would have begged his father to take Cas in, but even at that age, the boys knew John would not be able to. Money had been tight and Dean had already been taking care of Sammy, John either working or drunk. They had Bobby, so that was a plus, but CPS would never allow John Winchester to get custody of Castiel.

For a short while, the two friends had feared that he would have to move to his Uncle Zachariah up in Sacramento, but then Anna’s mother, a distant cousin of Castiel’s father, had moved to Monterey. As soon as she’d been made aware of the situation, she and her husband had offered to take Castiel in and Zachariah had agreed. Thus, Anna and Cas had grown up like siblings.

The Miltons were a wealthy family and Cas’ parents had left him a huge sum of money as well. At that time, Cas had already been attending Santa Catalina School and Anna had joined him. The Winchesters, however, had not been as wealthy, so Dean and later on Sam had attended the Monterey High School. It had been okay for the boys; they still met up after classes and on the weekends, their friendship not suffering from the separation at all.

Then the end of eighth grade was coming closer. Santa Catalina School was an all-girls school from grade nine onwards, and Dean had hoped that Cas would join him. But fate had another plan: Thanks to connections from the Milton family, both Castiel and Anna had gotten scholarships for an elite school in England. As in Europe. As in far, far away.

That summer, they had vowed to stay best friends forever, to stay in touch no matter what, and to always ensure that they would chase their dreams and help the other one to do so.  They were still so young but they’d already known what they wanted to be. Dean had wanted to be a singer ever since Cas could remember. His mother had always sung to him and Dean once explained to Cas that singing made him feel connected to her. “Hey Jude”, the song his mother used to sing to him as a lullaby, was one of the very few cover songs Purgatory had ever recorded. Dean had dedicated it to his mother and even now it was hard for him to sing it without letting the memories get the better of him (a fact Cas knew from magazines as well, but also because he _knew_ this man). Cas had wanted to be a doctor ever since his parents had died. He wanted to save people, to make sure no one would lose a loved one like he had. Becoming a pediatrician had been a decision along the way and Cas did not regret it one bit.

Four years of separation. So many things had happened during that time. Dean had grown into a very handsome young man with dark blond spikey hair, green eyes that were full of life and mischief at times, and freckles all over his nose. He’d become quite popular with the girls and perfected the come-hither smile Cas had fallen for the minute he’d first seen it. At the same time as Dean had one girlfriend after another, Cas had soon realized that he was more interested in boys. He had made a friend in Balthazar, a snobby English guy who’d later followed him to the states. Zar, who was pansexual, had been the one to educate Cas in the different types of sexuality and had helped him come to terms with being gay and that it was okay, that it was just as normal as any other sexuality. He had been his first kiss, but it had never gone beyond that and for that Cas was grateful for many reasons. Mostly because now, eighteen years later, Zar was happily married to Meg and was the closest friend Cas had outside the hospital.

Writing that particular letter to Dean, telling him about his revelation, had been one of the hardest things Castiel had ever had to do, but how could he have ever doubted him? His best friend had spent his pocket money just to call Cas and tell him that this did not change anything. They hadn’t been able to talk for long, Dean’s money not enough for the expensive call it had been back then. But he had wanted to make sure Cas knew this and wouldn’t worry until Dean’s next letter could reach him.

Over a year later, Dean had asked Cas how he’d realized he was gay. Only after Cas had answered the question did Dean reveal in his next letter that he thought he might be gay as well, only that he still liked girls, which confused him no end. This time, Cas had spent his pocket money (which had been a bit more than Dean’s) to call his friend and to explain to him what bisexuality was. Dean had been scared about it, had been scared to act on it, had been scared of what his father would say, what Sammy would think, what everybody else would say about him.

“Do you think differently of me?” Cas had asked.

Dean’s answer had been so instant Cas had known he was telling him the truth. “Of course not!”

“Then why do you fear what people will think of you? If they’re truly your friends, they’ll stick with you.”

Still, Dean had stayed in the closet until Castiel came back. That summer, John Winchester died and although Dean had loved his father and mourned him, Cas still knew his friend well enough to know that it was also liberating for the young man. John had been a broken man after the loss of his wife and Dean had not been allowed to be a child since he had been four years old. He had to be the responsible one, the older brother that took care of Sammy, the one to be brave. Cas knew Dean loved his father by the way he’d always wanted to make him proud, even if it meant losing himself.

But with Cas’ return, it seemed that at least on one point Dean wanted to be free now. They had fallen in love so hard and fast, it was almost unnatural. It had been like love at first sight, only they’d known each other for years. But they’d both still been kids when Cas had left for England, now they were young men.

They had kept their feelings in check at first, not wanting to risk such a long-lasting friendship. It all came to a head during a beach party. Sure, there was alcohol involved, but they’d both been more than willing and they hadn’t stuck to just kissing that night.

They’d never moved in together, but Dean had helped Cas renovate the house he had bought and had spent a lot of time there, making it effectively his home as well. It had been obvious even back then that Cas didn’t plan on ever moving again. He had loved his time in England, but that time had also showed him how much he loved his home town and that he wanted to put down roots and grow old here.

Sure, he had to leave again for some time to attend UCSF School of Medicine in San Francisco, but he had traveled back and forth as often as he could and every little part of his education he could do in Monterey, he did. He had been a resident at the Community Hospital and had worked there ever since.

While Dean had attended the University in Monterey, he had also taken little jobs in the music business, from working at one of Monterey’s radio stations to helping in an old vintage record store. He had spent his free time writing music, but somehow, nothing ever really worked back then. However, Cas knew some of Purgatory’s most famous songs had been written during this time. Only, Dean hadn’t found a way to get them heard in public back then and the singer had suffered because of it.

The stress of their educational and work lives had started to creep into their time together. Not fast, not quickly enough to grasp, but slowly like poison seeping through a body. The end of their relationship had been a long, subtle one. Neither of them had ever been perfect, and neither had their relationship been. But they’d always worked – until they just didn’t anymore.

_* “Look at us! When did we last sleep together? When did we last just take a day for us? When did we last go out? This isn’t love anymore. I can’t change it and I won’t let you change it. I’m sorry, Dean, but we don’t work.” *_

It had hurt to say it out loud, had hurt to see Dean being hurt just as much. But they had both known it to be true. Cas had been working and studying so much, while Dean had gotten more and more frustrated with not getting to where he wanted to be career wise. Their love life had suffered so much.

What had made it even harder was the fact that Dean just couldn’t jump over his shadow and openly date Cas. They’d made it work for years and Cas was not one to push someone out of the closet. But there had been so many times when he’d just wanted to take his boyfriend’s hand or to just kiss him while they were out in the city. Yet Dean, while telling Cas that he wanted all that as well, still just couldn’t. Couldn’t take that last step to openly be with him. Cas knew why, knew how the shadow of John Winchester, although dead for five years by then, had still been looming over them. He understood all that, yet in the end it had been only one of those things that let their relationship slowly die. Cas had let him go, had forced him to go, had told him to go to L.A. and chase his dream, just as they had promised each other they would do.

_* “All I want is to be with you,” Dean whispered. Cas smiled sadly, rubbing his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone._

_“You shouldn’t. You belong with your brother in L.A. You belong where you can make your music, where you can be who you are without hiding anything. You can’t be happy here,” Cas reasoned. *_

He had truly believed that. Had truly thought Dean would be able to finally be himself once in a big city. He had thought it was Monterey that kept him from coming out, from being true to himself. In the end, it seemed it wasn’t. Even now, ten years later, the world knew Dean Winchester was straight and no rumors had ever suggested otherwise. Cas didn’t know if it made him angry that the singer wouldn’t stand up and be honest about who he was, or if he felt relieved about not having to see the love of his life with another man. It was hard enough to see how Dean had so easily stepped back into the role of a ladies’ man. After his career had kicked off, he was seen with a series of short-term girlfriends and one-night stands. It pained Cas to see the pictures, but he knew it was still easier than seeing other men at his side. Should the singer ever choose to come out of his closet it would certainly not be for himself, but for the man he loved. And knowing it would be someone else hurt Cas deeply whenever he thought about it.

So yes, there was a huge part of him that was relieved that so far, there had never even been a rumor of Dean being gay or bi. Which was strange, seeing how he always made sure to use neutral pronouns when talking about his first love. On the other hand, he also never corrected anybody who did refer to his first love as a woman.

But again, Cas could live with that.

He was sure that Dean still thought about him at times. The singer still wrote love songs and openly dedicated them to his first love. And even if he didn’t, parts of Dean’s songs reminded Cas of their story. And Cas _knew_ Dean. He knew he only wrote from the heart, wrote about things he felt deeply. It had always been Dean’s way. Which, to Cas, meant those feelings were still true.

The reason many people thought the “tragic love story” was just a good story to sell Purgatory’s songs was in fact Dean’s endless string of different women at the beginning of his career. While some had proclaimed his promiscuity the actions of a man with a broken heart, others had called him a liar who only wanted to sell a good love story for the money and fame. Dean had always remained silent and had never given any statement about it either way, only confirming now and then which parts of his songs were inspired by his “mysterious” first love.

The endless flow of faceless, beautiful women had ended a few years back, however. Dean was still occasionally seen with women, but it was mostly close friends of the band. No dates, no one-night stands anymore. Cas had started to wonder if he was secretly dating a guy now.

He feared the day Dean would make it public.

~*~

His alarm jolted him awake.

He had fallen asleep on the couch again and in the light of day, Cas had no idea which part of his trip down memory lane had been actual memories and which parts he had dreamed. It didn’t matter, it was all true anyway.

Before he got up to shower and get some caffeine in his system, Cas needed a few more minutes of cuddling with Gabe to get rid of the weird, hollow feeling in his chest.

It wasn’t until he was in the shower that he realized that the hollow feeling was not only the longing for a love long lost, but also for the best friend he had lost with it. Somewhere along the way of chasing their dreams career wise, they had forgotten about the other promises they had made each other all those years ago.

As the first tears fell, Cas considered for the first time if maybe it wasn’t that bad an idea to go to the concert as a VIP. Dean was known to make an appearance in the VIP area after most concerts, so what if he did this time? They would be able to meet again. And maybe, if nothing else, Cas would be able to get his best friend back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Meat Loaf, “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now”


	3. Interlude I: Sick Of All These People Talking

**Interlude I: Sick Of All These People Talking**

Meg needed her coffee, and quick or else she was going to kill someone. Why do people have to be so freaking annoying? Checking her watch she let out a groan. Still another three hours until her shift was officially over, but who knew how much longer work would keep her here today. Thankfully, it was already Saturday and she had no shift tomorrow. Their circle of close friends had decided to take the day of the Purgatory concert off, so they could spend it at the beach. Meg wasn’t particularly fond of the sun, yet a day to relax was exactly what she needed.

As she entered the break room she made a beeline for her next fix of caffeine, ignoring the nurses present for the moment. Pot of coffee in hand, she leaned against the kitchen counter and closed her eyes as she savored the first few sips. It seemed Anna had been in charge of refilling the black gold, because it was just as strong as Meg loved it.

Still with her eyes closed, the ongoing conversations in the room caught the surgeon’s attention at last. She let out a loud and drawn out groan, effectively silencing the room. “You know I can hear you, right?” Neither Bartholomew nor April seemed very impressed by the icy glare she now fixed them with, so Meg continued. “Do you really have to have your little bitch fight over who’s going to get into Clarence’s pants while I’m in the same room? Cause I can solve that riddle for you: Neither of you will and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll stop giving me a headache.” Putting her coffee down for now, she tossed her long dark curls over her back before crossing her arms over her chest, waiting for their responses.

“You always say that. Why are you so sure about it?” April was the first to speak, sending a challenging glare in Meg’s direction which was answered by a snide smirk.

“Well, in your case it should be obvious, unless you’re really that dumb. You simply lack the right body parts.”

“I find it highly disturbing the way you indulge Castiel in his delusion of liking men.”

“His … I’m sorry, his what now?” She must have misheard, Meg had no other explanation for the nonsense that’d just left April’s mouth.

But the nurse only raised her chin, ignoring all the confused stares directed at her. “You heard me. His delusion. I mean, to think he likes men and –”

“Oh my _God_ ,” Meg called out. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re one of those chicks that think they can ‘pray the gay away’?” Meg actually made air quotes with her fingers – Clarence was clearly rubbing off on her. “Or in your case, what? Fuck the gay away?”

“No, of course not,” April answered and in her defense, she really looked appalled by that thought. “If he really were gay, I would leave him alone, but –”

“Okay, let me stop you right there.” Holding up her hand to emphasize her command, Meg closed her eyes for a second, seeking inner strength. There was not enough coffee in the world to deal with idiots like this. The fact that Michael just entered the room to get some coffee as well did not make it any better. Dear Lord, Clarence would owe her big time after this. “He came out when he was fifteen years old. Clarence has never dated a woman in his entire life and –”

“That's exactly my point,” April interrupted. “He’s never been with a woman, so how is he supposed to know that he doesn’t like them?”

Gaping for a second, Meg had a hard time wrapping her head around this. Oh, so April was one of _those_ fanatics. “And I’ve never been with a cactus my entire life, yet I know I don’t want to,” she finally snapped and earned some chuckles from around the room. Picking her coffee up again, she could only shake her head. How stupid could some people be?

Michael chose that moment to join the conversation. “One thing is for sure though: Castiel knows he likes men and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t really been with one in his life either.”

It was obvious he desired the room’s whole attention and sadly, he got it. Seemingly unfazed, the doctor chose to busy himself preparing his coffee – lots of milk and sugar, what a baby, Meg thought. Standing right next to him, she could see his poorly hidden smirk and it annoyed her to no end. Luckily, Bart broke before she had to.

“Okay, fine, I’ll bite,” he said, glaring at his opponent’s back with thinly veiled anger. “We all know you had something going on with him, so where’s this change of tune coming from?”

Finally done with preparing the coffee, Michael turned around and took a sip before glancing at Bart.

“Something going on?” he asked with such a fake look of confusion that Meg didn’t even bother to stop her eye-rolling. “Oh, you mean …” – fake laughter – “No, no, that was … that was nothing really” – fake regret – “I mean, I wanted more, yes, but … no, Castiel was always so … What should I call it” – fake benevolent tone – “so incredibly shy, so I didn’t want to push him.” He gave the room a second, probably assessing if they bought it. To Meg’s immense pleasure, they didn’t, but she’d underestimated Michael. He continued. “I mean, you’ve heard otherwise, I know. Truthfully, he begged me not to tell” – fake sigh – “he didn’t want to look like the 30-something year old virgin he still is, so I played along and –”

Meg couldn’t stop it, her laughter was loud and shrill. Enough was simply enough. “Oh my _God_. Do you even hear yourself? Do you really think anybody’s buying this fake story?”

“Meg, I know you’re –”

“Shut it, Michael, this isn’t about me. No, this is about you and your bruised ego and the lies you’re spreading about my best friend.”

“Oh, so you know better?”

“Yes, in fact I do.” For a second there, she spaced out, remembering that one time she wanted to surprise Clarence and used the spare key. She never sat down on that couch ever again, that’s for sure. Good thing Clarence got a new one a few years back. Although, getting a glimpse of Dean’s naked ass … yeah, it made it kind of worth it.

Shaking the memory off with a genuine smile that earned her questioning glances, Meg continued. “Just because he told you off – for which I have to compliment him later, by the way – doesn’t mean he’s still a virgin. God, you behave like you’re the only walking gay man on this planet.”

“Well, then tell me, oh wise best friend of Castiel: Why have we never seen him with anyone, hmm? And why is he saying no to everybody, including myself and Bartholomew?”

Meg wasn’t quick enough to control it; her face fell long enough for the room to see. And really, what should she tell them? That Clarence hadn’t been able to really be with someone because he had a broken heart? Because he was still hoping that Dean would come home one day? That he still loved a man who wasn’t even out? That he had hardly been eating for the past two weeks, fretting about tomorrow’s concert as if it marked the most important moment in his life? No, she couldn’t tell them, not even when Michael’s triumphant grin made her want to punch him.

“None of your business.” God, that sounded lame even to her own ears.

“Well, virgin or not.” Meg closed her eyes again, clinging to her coffee with all her might. Bart’s annoying voice did not help her current nerves at all. “Tomorrow you’ll all see that I win in the end.”

“And why is that?” Michael asked. Seriously, sometimes these two reminded her of two puffed up roosters in a fight.

“Oh, please. We all know Cassie loves Purgatory and who got the tickets? Who cares that he played all shy when I asked him. Tomorrow we’ll be at the beach, a beautiful sunset, his favorite music. It will be so romantic and Cassie will be so grateful. Just wait and see.”

If Meg had to see any more of this she might actually puke. This was the final straw. “You're all so full of shit!” she exclaimed, dropping her mug on the counter with a resounding _clunk_. A sudden inspiration struck her. “None of you is going to get him. I’m so sure about it that I’d actually bet money on it.”

Now that got her the attention of the room.

“In fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to do: I bet you Three Hundred Dollars that neither of you will take Clarence home tomorrow night!”

“I’ll take that bet,” Bart answered, already getting up to shake Meg’s hand.

But she had more to say. “Hold your horses. This deal would also mean that after that, you’ll accept defeat. No more advances, no more flirting, no more lies or talking behind his back. Tomorrow’s your last chance, after that: Hands off Castiel.”

Using his real name seemed to get the message across how serious she was about it. Bart seemed to think it through for a moment before finally offering his hand. Meg took it and the bet was made. Turning towards April, she fixed her with an evil smile. The woman must be really stupid, as she got up and shook Meg’s hand as well. Money had never been made faster.

Turning towards Michael, she cocked an eyebrow in question.

“Oh please,” he huffed out. “I’ve got no interest in our virgin anymore.” It took two heartbeats before he continued. “However, to prove my point, I’ll join this bet. I bet you, that he’s going home alone.”

Meg’s eyebrows pulled together at that. “You can’t bet the same as I am.”

“Oh, no. No, dear Meg, you misunderstood. You’re betting he’s not going home with any of us. I, however, bet that he’s going home all alone, as always. And we both know which kind of alone I’m talking about, so a friend wouldn’t count.”

Oh, how she wanted to punch that face.

And, shit, that wasn’t good. Meg knew exactly that there was only one person Clarence would take home. How likely would that be? Or rather: how likely would it be that the public would hear about it?

But she couldn’t back out. If she did, the bet was off and this torture would go on endlessly. Oh, well, so that’s how fast you can lose money.

“I’m in.”

Michael’s hand was cold yet sweaty. It almost made her shiver as he held it longer than necessary.

“Naturally, no one is to tell him about this bet or, God forbid, push him into taking someone home …”

“You don’t need to crush my hand over this, Michael. What do you take me for?”

Finally getting her hand back, Meg grabbed her coffee and left without another word.

On Monday, this all would be done. On Monday, she would pay Three Hundred Dollars gladly so her best friend would finally be left in peace.

Yes, he really did owe her now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Halsey, “Castle”


	4. Chapter Two: But My Smile, Still, Stays On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole Music Festival is heavily based on the one we have in my hometown each year. I live on an island and trust me when I say: the atmosphere is just amazing :)  
> In this chapter, you’ll also find the complete translation for Dean and Cas’ song – again, I highly recommend you listen to it, as well as to “See you again”.

**Chapter Two: But My Smile, Still, Stays On**

The days until the concert in Monterey seemed to simultaneously drag out endlessly and fly by like nothing at all. Dean spent most of the time in the studio, working on the new song until he was happy with it. His band loved it and they couldn’t wait to perform it at the Music Festival for the first time.

They also rehearsed “Hey Jude”, since Dean wanted to perform it in memory of his mother. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to perform “On Different Paths”, but his friends were able to convince him to at least rehearse it so if he felt like singing it, they’d be able to do so without a hitch.

Any time not spent in the studio was spent thinking about Castiel. Dean had kept tabs on him as well as he could. He knew he still lived in their home town as he had planned, probably still in the house at the beach he had bought when he was just nineteen years old. He knew Cas was a pediatrician now and was working at the hospital Dean had often been at, either with a broken arm from being too wild or because Sammy had an infection. Dean remembered the nice doctors there back then and now Cas was one of them.

Would he be at the concert?

Every time this question entered Dean’s mind, he would shake it off quickly, trying not to get his hopes up. Most likely, Cas had moved on years ago and forgotten all about him.

All too soon Dean found himself on the tour bus. He hated not having his baby, his sweet ’67 Chevy Impala with him, but the days his band would have to drive two different cars around the US for each concert, sleeping in crappy motels and eating cheap fast food – that time was long gone.

Charlie was with them, as she liked to be. She had been their manager for three years now, after Dean had finally fired his first manager Dick Roman. The guy had been a sleazy bag of dicks, but he had been the one to help Purgatory get the fame they now had. Dean had never told him about his sexual orientation, but seeing as how he had insisted that the singer be seen with one woman after another, he wasn’t so sure that maybe the guy hadn’t suspected something. Three years ago, Dean had finally had enough. The thing with the women wasn’t the only problem they had with him, there had been many more. But for Dean it was certainly one of the main reasons.

He’d met Charlie Bradbury a few years before and they had become fast friends, being two nerds in a world of fame and fortune. She was by no means a professional, but she had learned a thing or two over the years and when Dean and his band were suddenly without a manager, they’d wanted to try, if only for a little while. It had worked even better than with Dick and now they had no idea how they’d been able to ever do anything without the crazy redhead.

Dean also suspected Jo of having a crush on their friend.

Jo played the keyboard or occasionally the piano, Bela was the second guitar (with Dean mostly playing lead guitar), as well as a few other string instruments like the violin or cello. On the bass guitar they had Ash, who was also able to rap. Dean did not add rap parts very often to his songs, but occasionally it really fit.

And then there was Benny. Benny was more than just their drummer. He had been the one to kick Dean in the ass about doing something with his talent.

After leaving Monterey … after leaving Cas, Dean had gone through a really rough time. There had been copious amounts of alcohol involved and for almost a year, Dean had wallowed in the pain he felt over losing Cas. Then he had met Benny. The Cajun with a heart of gold had helped him to pull himself back together, had told him about his own loss and that at least the love of Dean’s life was still alive and not the victim of a burglary gone horribly wrong. That had helped Dean to sober up. He realized he didn’t want to end up like his father, so instead he did what he thought he did best: put his feelings into music.

Within one week of meeting and talking to Benny, the singer had not only virtually given up the heavy drinking, he had also finished “On Different Paths”. A month later saw the song recorded and soon after, it was playing all over the country. Dean Winchester became famous almost overnight. Benny and Jo had been the start of Purgatory, Ash followed shortly after. Bela had been the last to join and it had taken Dean some getting used to her. There had been a slight attraction between them, but neither had ever risked the next step and it had soon faded. Now he felt for her as he did for Jo and later Charlie: part of the family. That also included Benny and Ash. Seeing how much time they spent together on the tour bus, it was probably for the best that they all got along so well.

~*~

When they reached the city limits of Monterey, Dean didn’t know how he felt anymore. It was a strange mix of excitement, nostalgia, and nausea. He had briefly thought about visiting Bobby before the concert, but the old man had told him not to worry. He would be at the concert as he had promised, using the VIP ticket Charlie had sent him. No need for Dean to traipse through the city and risk being ambushed by fans or paparazzi.

They stopped at their hotel to get some rest before getting ready for the concert. When they reached the event arena, they were ushered to the backstage area without much trouble. It was all very well organized and all Dean noticed from the fans already lingering around was some shouting in the distance.

The stage was set up on the beach, the ocean to the left of it. In front of the stage was an open field for the people standing. It was roughly the size of a football field and those standing the closest to the ocean would have to make sure not to get wet feet. Or just take off their shoes, it was summer after all. Opposite the stage, at the other end of the sandy field, bleachers had been set up for those with tickets for seats. There were special areas designated for the VIPs. The one on the field was in front of the stage to the right side.

The last part of the arena, the one opposite the ocean, was surrounded by a high fence clad in tarpaulin, so people on the outside wouldn’t be able to see the band. Still, as Dean knew from most open air concerts, there would be people all around the arena just to listen to them. He always made sure to acknowledge them as well.

The backstage area was located directly behind the stage, closed off on two sides by the high tarp-fence, open only towards the ocean. Security guards on this side as well as on the beach made sure no fans could use the ocean to get close to them. The tent held everything they’d need. It wasn’t your usual backstage area, but it was awesome nonetheless.

After everything was ready and the start of their concert moved closer, Dean used the chance to calm down his nerves and stepped out to watch the ocean. Before long he would stand in front of a crowd where he might find a lot of familiar faces. But he had promised himself not to check, had talked himself out of searching for familiar blue eyes and unruly, dark hair. It would do him no good doing so during the concert. There were other ways to see Cas again later and it just wouldn’t be fair to their fans if the thought of Cas distracted Dean from giving one hundred percent for them.

Taking in the breeze, Dean nodded towards the three guys that were their opening act. Kevin, Ed, and Harry were a crazy group, but they made good music and Dean liked them. When they got ready to enter the stage, Dean realized he was able to hear voices close by.

As it seemed, the patch of beach that was their backstage area was situated directly adjacent to the VIP-entrance, separated only by the tarp-fence. Dean was pretty sure the VIPs didn’t even know they were walking right next to where the band was preparing.

He was just thinking about Bobby and whether the old man had already arrived, when very, very familiar laughter caught his attention. There were other voices and laughter woven around it and Dean was sure he recognized at least one other voice, but right now all he could focus on was that one single laugh that simultaneously made his blood run cold and his heart beat faster.

He was here.

Cas was at his concert.

~*~*~*~

Cas still couldn’t believe he was here, at Dean’s concert.

He had carpooled with Anna, Meg, and Zar and they had spent some time in the event area. The whole venue was spread out along the beach, the actual arena with the stage its center. There were booths for games and food and some other attractions that had taken place over the course of the day. One could easily spend hours here, if only they had the time, so they had all made sure to have the day off.

The friends had an early dinner before meeting up with the rest of their group. The excitement Cas felt even overrode his annoyance about Michael, Bart, and April’s presence. Having Ruby and Becky there was annoying for completely different reasons. Ruby had dressed even more brassy than Cas was used to, clearly out to get laid tonight, or to find new prey within the confines of the VIP area. Becky was her usual bubbly self, only a bit more so, since she had been a Purgatory fangirl from day one, bordering on crazy sometimes as far as Cas could tell.

But all in all the excitement of seeing Dean live for the first time in oh so many years, to hear him sing and maybe to even meet him again, all that was able to compensate for most of the annoying parts.

What it didn’t make him forget was the nervousness about the prospect of _actually_ meeting Dean again. Would Dean even want that? Would he acknowledge that they knew each other? Would he downplay who Cas used to be – oldest friend, best friend, first love, any of these – to not raise any suspicions about their real past? And would Cas even want that? On a private level: yes, of course. But it would also mean finally being known as someone who knew Dean Winchester. In which way that was … well, it would be Dean’s decision to reveal that. Just like in the past, Cas would force nothing on him. He had no hope about Dean and him ever getting back together. Dean hadn’t been able to openly date him while he was still a no-name. Now that he was world famous, there was no chance in hell that he would do it. No, Cas had no hope in that regard. But to be honest, more than anything he wanted his friend back. But would Dean even want that?

He really tried to keep it all in, but his nerves must have shown after all, since Anna, Meg, and Zar all made sure to stay close and to calm him down in their own ways. Or maybe his nerves didn’t show, but his friends just knew him that well. Whatever it was, they made sure to distract him. Anna held his hand or linked their arms or simply soothingly brushed his shoulder while they all walked towards the VIP entrance. Zar was his eccentric self, making Cas laugh about inappropriate things. And Meg was the sarcastic bitch she so liked to be.

“Can you imagine their faces if ever they found out _why_ you wouldn’t stoop so low as to date them?” Meg whispered so only the four of them could hear, while they were waiting in the relatively short line. The opening act was starting very soon and most people were already inside.

Cas gave her a disapproving look. “Meg, that sounds like I’ve saved myself for Dean or something.”

“Which would be the truth, Cassie-dear,” Zar retorted without even looking at them, rather letting his gaze wander. Cas choose to ignore the statement.

Meg went on to paint a vivid picture as to how Cas’ suitors would react should they find out about his and Dean’s past. Also the way Becky and probably Ruby would have a heart attack about Purgatory’s lead singer being bi. Somewhere along the way, they had showed their tickets and were on their way inside. And somewhere during Meg’s humorous suggestions and Anna’s input and Zar’s comments, they even made him laugh and forget his worries for a short while.

The standing area for the VIPs was not as filled as the rest of the arena, most of them deciding rather to sit on the bleachers. Cas and his group found a place close to the stage, but not so close that they’d have to crane their neck to look up at the performers.

The opening act was good, but if Cas was honest he hardly paid any attention to them. Besides his ever growing nerves, the fact that Bart and April seemed to be even more annoying than usual was simply too distracting. They would stand incredibly close until Anna or Zar would discretely intervene. April would touch his arm to get his attention and Bart would whisper in his ear. He was sure there were many more little gestures he had missed, as he was distracted and doing his best to ignore the two of them. At least Michael seemed to heed his warning.

Soon the opening act left and the instruments were switched. Then the stage grew dark. The sun was still high in the sky, so it wasn’t really that dark, the effect somehow dimmed, but the atmosphere still made him shiver. It wasn’t hard to see when Purgatory finally walked onto the stage, a hurricane of applause welcoming them. It grew louder, calling for the one man everybody wanted to see. The drum beat for their first song started up, light exploded, cheering erupted – and then Dean Winchester ran out onto the stage.

~*~*~*~

Cas was here. He had come and as a VIP no less.

Dean had no idea how long he had been standing outside the tent, his eyes glued to the tarp separating backstage area and VIP entrance. He only came out of his trance when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Benny looked at him with concern, but said nothing, only motioned towards the stage with his head. The singer could see Kevin, Ed, and Harry inside the tent – when had they come back? Had he really just missed the whole opening act?

He nodded towards Benny, telling him silently that he was alright and that he would be ready. Walking down towards the ocean, Dean took it all in, the waves, the wind, the salty smell, the voices of thousands of fans waiting just for them, and shoved thoughts of Cas aside. He was here. Good. Dean had wanted to meet him again, so here was his chance. Even more so, since the doctor would most likely be in the VIP tent later on. Good, so he could put all that to the back of his mind and give his fans the concert they deserved.

When it was time, Dean got his game face on. One after the other his band members walked onto the stage and the excited cheering was thrilling as always. He could feel the blood in his veins pumping, his heart beating faster, adrenaline shooting through his system. And then his head was clear, his mind focused. At the right moment he ran out onto the stage and man how he loved this feeling. There was nothing comparable to the feeling of a full arena cheering and screaming just for you. Especially in a setting like this, with the Pacific to his left and the beach of Monterey Bay to his right.

He gave everything he had from the first moment on, just as he always did. Or maybe even a bit more. The crowd was right there with him from the first second, the energy pulsing through them washing onto the stage.

“Hello Montereeeeeyyyyy,” he greeted them when the first song ended and the reply was instant and loud. “How are you tonight?” More screams while Dean took a moment to look around the crowd for the first time. To his surprise he really did recognize a lot of them.

“Do you have any idea, how _awesome_ it is to be here?” He had to yell during the second part of that sentence, the elated screams almost drowning it out. But this was what Dean Winchester did best besides writing music. Interacting with his fans, with whole stadiums, with masses even more huge than this. He loved it and it seemed the crowd loved him. He did his usual spiel, but it never sounded like something scripted: talk about the city, the people, the setting, how it was such an awesome place for an open air concert. It went even better this time, since it _was_ his home town after all.

The songs they played were a good combination of their repertoire of classic rock and some fancy rock-pop-mix Purgatory was famous for. Of course he had made sure to include those songs he’d written about his school days and about the days spent on the beach. The song he’d written about his city had long since become the unofficial song of Monterey and as Dean began belting it out there was no one that did not join in. The singer even stepped back from the mic for a moment and let the crowd continue on its own. Hundreds of voices from beyond the stadium could be heard as well and Dean’s enormous smile threatened to split his face. It got even better when all instruments came to a halt and Monterey sang its song a capella, their voices carrying far over the ocean with its beautiful sunset. It simply felt amazing.

There was no break planned, just a little under two hours of music before they would retreat to the backstage area and wait for the audience to scream for more. With the encore, their concerts usually lasted a bit over two hours. Tonight, however, everything was different. Dean loved to talk to the fans and tonight he found himself doing it more often. He loved how they welcomed him back and loved the way he felt at home again. They even played a song or two more than they usually did, just because. The audience pretty quickly realized that Dean did not want to leave them and they repaid him with more applause, screams, and cheers.

Without being biased, Dean could honestly say that it was the best concert of his life, while the sun slowly set over the Pacific.

~*~*~*~

Dean was magnificent; there simply was no other word for it.

Cas had seen many video clips of his performances, but this one right here was topping it all. He’d thought it would hurt, but from the very beginning he felt the energy that connected Dean and his band with the crowd and Cas realized he was part of it. He danced, jumped, clapped, sang, and screamed with them, held Anna in his arms for the sad songs, laughed about Dean’s stories and just enjoyed it all. Although his company was being more annoying than ever, he was even able to forget most of them except for his friends. And when songs came up that told part of Dean’s and his story, he smiled at the memories they’d made, rather than cry for the friend and lover he’d lost.

When Dean announced that it was time for the last song, Cas couldn’t believe that over two hours had passed. And they hadn’t even reached their encore yet.

As the band left the stage, Cas realized that the two songs he’d wanted to hear the most hadn’t been played yet. Chances were they wouldn’t play “Hey Jude” or “On Different Paths” because recently neither song had been included very often. Maybe it was just too painful for Dean, especially here.

The chants of “encore” and “one more” and just general screaming started up the second Dean turned around to leave the stage. Naturally, they let the audience wait for a short time, probably catching their breaths and maybe even considering what to play for the encore.

“How are you feeling?”

“Awesome,” Cas replied, grinning wildly at his sister. And he actually meant it. He was more comfortable with his plan to try and talk to Dean after the concert than he had been before. Seeing him, not just on some glossy magazine or on TV or even in a YouTube video, no, actually seeing him had brought back all the good memories they’d shared. They had been friends before they’d been lovers, how could they’ve just given up on that? How had their love just disappeared? Looking at this energetic man on stage, Cas had no explanation for it. Only that maybe it had to be this way, so they’d both been able to chase their dreams. But what if your dreams changed?

Before the band came back there was movement on the stage. The crew took away Jo’s keyboard and replaced it with an actual piano – and the crowd went wild. While most songs from Purgatory went perfectly with the keyboard sound, there were two songs in their repertoire they would only ever perform with a real piano.

“He’s going to sing it,” Anna screamed into his ear, while Cas could only look at the stage, excited and nervous at once.

The band came back out, Dean following them without much fuss. He went to the microphone and while a single gesture of his hand let the audience quiet down enough for him to be heard, Cas realized that he appeared to be nervous as well. But that had never kept Dean Winchester from smiling his winning smile.

“You think you know what’s coming, right?”

Cas found himself screaming along again. How could you be a fan of Purgatory and not know what was coming when the piano came up onto the stage?

“I admit, you’re not wrong,” – more cheering – “but you’re not completely right either. You see, two weeks ago, while working on a new song,” – excited squeals and a sweet chuckle from Dean – “I got the message that this concert right here was confirmed. And that got me thinking.”

Dean was a great entertainer. Not just because of the songs he wrote or his incredible voice, but also because of his presence on stage. He was a story teller and the crowd his audience, hanging on his every word. Cas knew he did as well.

“It got me thinking about home and about the people I left behind when I moved to L.A.”

_Oh._

“Your first love,” some woman screamed and the smile Dean gave her was a combination of fondness and shyness. Cas found it so endearing.

“Well, yeah, for one. But also a lot of friends and other people I’ve known. In fact.” Dean, who liked to wander around the stage while he was talking, suddenly stopped and looked directly into the sea of faces. “Okay, let me just check something. No cheating though, it’s not like I’m going to come down there to check or shake hands, so please be honest. Who here knew me before I became famous?”

More hands than Cas had suspected shoot up in the air, Anna, Meg, and Zar included. They looked at him, but Cas was too bewildered to even react. What was Dean playing at?

“Wow, that’s a lot. Awesome. Alright, so who here knew me from either school or college?” Fewer hands, but still an enormous sum. The whole game was followed by cheering and some screams of “here” and “Dean”.

“Sonofabitch, didn’t know I knew that many people.” Dean let them laugh about that, seemingly trying to collect his thoughts. “Okay, now be honest again. I’m not talking about knowing me or being an acquaintance – cause kids, no matter what Facebook tells you, not every acquaintance is a friend,” – laughter again and a smile from Dean – “okay, show me: who here has been friends with me?”

Far fewer hands were raised, but still enough. Surprise and cheers could be heard.

Anna and Zar’s hands were in the air again, surprised murmuring around them as well. When Meg wanted to raise her hand, both Anna and Zar playfully slapped at it, because Meg and Dean … well, that was a story on its own, but love-hate was probably a good term to start with. The bickering stopped the second their eyes landed on Castiel.

Because his hand was raised as well.

And maybe Cas’ hand called to Dean like a beacon in the night. Or maybe the singer had simply waited for this one sign. But the second his hand was in the air, Dean’s eyes were on him. Cas was close enough to the front that the stage light illuminated him some and he could see in Dean’s eyes the moment he recognized him. A smile spread across Dean’s face of its own accord, and Cas couldn’t help but return it.

It felt like an eternity, but the spell was broken much too quickly. Because that was still Dean Winchester up there and the show must go on.

“To all of you, my friends: I’ve missed you a great deal.” For the first time, there were no screams, but applause for Dean’s sincere statement.

“But,” it was so quiet you could hear the waves of the ocean rolling over the beach. “There is one person I miss like no one else. And no, I’m actually not talking about my first love right now. I’m talking about my best friend.”

Three sets of eyes flew towards Cas and part of him wanted to punch them for being so obvious. But that was a really small part, because the bigger part of him was stunned.

“It’s weird, you know?” Dean continued and he was back in his story telling mode, where he used his hand to emphasize his words and sometimes he didn’t look at the fans, but at the ground, as if he was alone and simply thinking out aloud. It didn’t matter, though, people still listened to him. “How when you’re a kid, time seems to drag on endlessly. Four years of separation because your best friend is shipped off to Europe? End of the world, man.”

Cas only realized he was shaking when he felt Anna’s hand in his, squeezing it gently. He didn’t look at her, his eyes glued to Dean, but the gesture was very much appreciated. He also realized that this was information Dean had never disclosed before.

“But then you grow up and … life happens. You go to work, pay your bills, try to handle some semblance of a social life … and one morning you wake up and you realize: Fuck, I haven’t talked to my best friend in ten freaking years.”

There was a break in Dean’s speech as if he needed to actually think about what to say next. Cas had no idea what to think anymore. Dean felt the same way he did? He was putting Cas’ own feelings into words.

He tried so hard, but one single tear slipped down his cheek.

~*~*~*~

Dean had to take a deep breath. He could do this. He could and he would do so without crying. Cas was here and he had raised his hand when Dean had asked for his old friends. God, he looked so much sexier than in his official picture on the hospital’s homepage, with his dark hair tousled as always and those ocean blue eyes still so piercing. But no, Dean had no time to think about it now. This was about Cas, his best friend, his buddy, not about Cas, his first love he still had feelings for.

“You know, that one person, that got me through so much shit in my life, that knew me better than anybody, knew my deepest, darkest secrets and still stood by my side – and I left him behind when I left town? What kind of asshole does that?” He left a little pause, taking in the bitter laughs which showed understanding. “I mean, it’s not like I planned to, sometimes life just happens. People grow apart … walk on different paths.” The laughter for this reference was filled with pain and Dean knew: even though he told his own story, he also told that of many others. “But even so: I actually, truly believe that even today, he’s still the person that knows me best. And … I guess that does say something. Because he has missed so much of my life …” Even thinking about it hurt and Dean had to break off his little monologue again. He should probably bring this to an end, he’d already said too much. “Well, it got me thinking and I realized: There’s so much I just want to tell him, you know? Like back when we wrote those long ass letters, just talking about all the shit that had happened since the last letter we wrote. I miss that. And … I miss him.”

Dean had to actively force himself not to look at Cas in this moment because he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t just jump off the stage and beg the man to take him back. So he stared in the opposite direction, at the dark ocean. Shaking off the sad feeling, Dean forced himself to get his mind back on stage.

“And, well, as you all probably know: my way of putting these things into words is to write songs. So after Charlie sent me that text, I threw out the half-finished song – don’t worry, it wasn’t any good anyway,” – yeah, he knew how to get some laughter – “and I started on a new one. I finished it that very night and we’ve only rehearsed it for two weeks, but I thought maybe you’d like to hear it?”

Dean expected the cheering and he used the moment to mentally prepare himself. God, what was he thinking?

His next words were just for his oldest friend.

“Buddy, I’m not going to ask you to raise your hand, but I know you’re here and you have no idea how much that means to me. [This song is for you.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgKAFK5djSk)”

Nodding towards Jo, Dean closed his eyes and let the piano music wash over him, soothe him, and ground him. When he began to sing, he laid his heart open.

 

_It’s been a long day without you my friend_

_And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_We’ve come a long way from where we began_

_Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_When I see you again_

 

At the last line, Dean opened his eyes, but he couldn’t look at Cas, not just yet. He needed to focus onto the song or he would ruin it. When Ash started his rap part, Dean used the break for a deep breath.

 

_Damn, who knew?_

_All the planes we flew_

_Good things we’ve been through_

_That I’d be standing right here talking to you_

_‘Bout another path_

_I know we loved to hit the road and laugh_

_But something told me that it wouldn’t last_

_Had to switch up_

_Look at things different_

_See the bigger picture_

_Those were the days hard work forever pays_

_Now I see you in a better place_

 

The crowd was ecstatic, the new song was an instant hit and it made Dean smile seeing everybody dancing, clapping, shouting. He let this joy take a hold of him when he joined Ash for a short part of the rap. Not that rapping was Dean’s strong suit, but Ash had practiced hard with him and this part was too important for Dean not to join in.

 

_Uh, how could we not talk about family_

_When family’s all that we got?_

_Everything I went through you were standing there by my side_

_And now you be gon’ with me for the last ride_

 

The transition from rap back to singing the chorus was a fast one and left Dean no room to take a breath before the first pause in the chorus. But he made it and to his joy, people pulled out their cellphones and waved the lights through the dark night sky. It was a beautiful picture.

 

_It’s been a long day without you my friend_

_And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_We’ve come a long way from where we began_

_Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_When I see you again_

 

This time, when Ash started his rap, Dean finally felt brave enough to risk a glance at Cas. What he saw was a mixture of so many emotions Dean had a hard time naming a single one.

 

_First you both go out your way_

_And the vibe is feeling strong_

_And what’s small turn to a friendship_

_A friendship turned into a bond_

_And that bond will never be broken_

_And the love will never get lost_

_And when brotherhood come first_

_Then the line will never be crossed_

_Established it on our own_

_When that line had to be drawn_

_And that line is what we reached_

_So remember me when I’m gone_

 

As Ash was rapping about the friendship and bond and love, Dean sent a tentative smile towards Cas and when he was rewarded with a wide smile in return, he was sure his heart was bursting with joy. He couldn’t resist winking at Cas and neither could he keep his excitement out of his voice as he joined Ash once more in his rap.

 

_How could we not talk about family_

_When family’s all that we got?_

_Everything I went through you were standing there by my side_

_And now you be gon’ with me for the last ride_

 

Dean felt bold. Risking that it might be too obvious he turned to the general direction of Cas, singing only for him.

 

_So let the light guide my way, yeah_

_Hold every memory as I go_

_And every road I take_

_Will always lead me home, home_

 

Time for the big finale. Closing his eyes again, Dean put all his feelings into the last chorus. When the angelic voices of the girls joined in, even Dean got goosebumps. Yes, this was Cas’ song and Dean had done good.

 

_It’s been a long day without you my friend_

_And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_We’ve come a long way from where we began_

_Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again_

_When I see you again_

_When I see you again (see you again, yeah)_

_When I see you again_

 

~*~*~*~

He was not crying. No, he wasn’t crying, but by God if he’d been alone he would be curled up in a ball, sobbing like nobody’s business. How could Dean have put all his own thoughts and worries and hopes in one song?

When he had sent him a smile and sung directly towards him, Cas had his answer. If nothing else, they would find a way to get their friendship back.

Anna was still holding his hand, rubbing his arm soothingly with her other hand. Meg was at his other side, silently comforting him as well.

The cheering was deafening and the applause wouldn’t stop. Dean let it continue while walking around the stage and hugging each of his band members, thanking them for a great performance as he was known to do when a new song was performed for the first time. Cas couldn’t be sure, but it seemed as if Benny was asking Dean something to which the singer only nodded in affirmation, making Benny smile.

“So, what do you say, do you like it?” Dean asked once back at the microphone. It was a rhetorical question, obviously, but the cheers erupted once more. “Thank you, really. This means a lot to me.” Dean thanked the audience by taking a bow in front of them. “Okay, now we’re really and sadly coming to an end. I know, I’m sorry as well, because I can honestly say that this was a memorable concert and I won’t ever forget it. So here’s the deal. We have two more songs for you and I guess you know which ones I’m talking about.”

Yes, they all knew and while Dean took his old guitar, the stadium became quiet once more. “It’s been great here with you in Monterey. Thank you so much and I hope we’ll see each other again very soon.”

The applause that followed only ebbed away once the first chords of “On Different Paths” began. Dean closed his eyes, while Cas had only eyes for him. Before Dean started to sing, he softly whispered, “[This is for you, Angel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unMqckjC8Fs).”

 

_You want to walk, I'd rather spring_

_When you talk, I want to sing_

_You grow roots, I have to fly_

_We denied the silence around us_

_Where has our love gone?_

Cas just couldn’t take his eyes off him and silently, he begged Dean to open his own and to look at him.

_I feel young and you feel old_

_We're gonna fall, we've got no hold_

_We have to move_

_I agree, you disapprove_

_We walk on different paths_

 

When Dean finally opened his eyes before the chorus, they found Cas’ right away and there was no way he’d ever look away. In this moment, Cas didn’t care if the world found out and it seemed neither did Dean.

 

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

 

As Dean chanted the interlude of “Dah dum dum dum”, Cas could feel arms sneaking around his torso and a chin rest on his shoulder. For a wild second he thought it must be Anna, but the questioning, even hurt look on Dean’s face told him otherwise. It was marginal, just a nuance so small everybody else might think of it as emotion thanks to the song. But it told Cas enough and he froze.

The next verse began and he finally turned his head to check.

Bart.

 

_We're stuck in a habit_

_That burns up our heart_

_And I quit asking_

_What keeps us together or apart_

_Because I know: we keep going in circles_

 

A well placed punch with his elbow into Bart’s solar plexus had the man coughing for air, but his hands wouldn’t budge. Not until he was pulled away by a furious Balthazar, who dragged the man out of the VIP area.

Cas was shaking a bit, almost afraid to look back at Dean. But this was their song and he wanted to savor every moment of it. As he looked back up, Dean’s eyes were closed again, but the smile playing around the singer’s lips told Cas that he’d seen all of it.

_We have to breathe and grow again_

_‘Till the old shells break away_

_And where we find ourselves_

_We'll fall straight into life_

_We walk on different paths_

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

 

Cas couldn’t stop it this time. He felt the first tears falling and why should he try to control them?

 

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

 

“He’s crying.”

Cas had no idea who it was that pointed it out, but they were right. It was just a few silent tears, but they were there. Dean Winchester was crying while singing their song.

 

_I set you free_

_I will love you_

_You're still a part of me_

_Set you free_

_I will love you_

_free, I will love you_

 

_My heart beats faster than yours_

_They no longer beat as one_

_We shine brighter alone_

_Might have to be this way_

 

_Might have to be this way_

_Might have to be this way_

_this way_

_this way_

_this way_

_…_

 

~*~*~*~

As soon as the last chord of his “Duh dum dum dum” was swallowed by the erupting cheers, Dean turned around. He hadn’t cried while singing this song in oh so many years. But this was different. It was all so different, so emotional. Never had he felt the words so deeply.

And Cas.

Cas was here and Dean just couldn’t. He had to watch another guy hold his Cas and even though it seemed unwelcome, it still rubbed salt into his wounded heart.

It all crashed around the singer. And being the idiot he was he’d even promised to close the concert with his mother’s song. He needed a second, just a second.

Pretending to simply put down the guitar at the side of the stage, Dean took a few deep breaths.

“You can do this, you can do this.”

And he did.

He had no idea how he managed to get all the lyrics for “[Hey Jude](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYQjD0jGBTI)” out, but yet again, it was one of the greatest moments in his career. The whole stadium as well as the listeners from the beach joined in. The boys from their opening act joined them on the stage and all together, they sang the old Beatles song that was once his lullaby.

He held it together as long as they were still on stage, celebrated with his band and their fans and thanked them again and again. It was great, it really was. But the moment he left the stage and was hidden from prying eyes, he sank down onto the sand and allowed a few tears to run freely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Queen, “The show must go on”  
> Song lyrics:  
> Wiz Khalifa, “See you again” (I tweaked it just a little in the end ;) )  
> Andreas Bourani, “Auf anderen Wegen” (On Different Paths)  
> and mentioned: Beatles, “Hey Jude”


	5. Chapter Three: I’ll Tell You All About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the fun begin …

**Chapter Three: I’ll Tell You All About It**

“God, this was an amazing concert.”

“Did you see his tears? He was so emotional.”

“The new song is awesome, I can’t wait for it to go online, I wanna download it.”

Cas took in the chattering all around him, but did not participate. The tent for the VIPs was packed, everybody waiting for Purgatory to show. Since Ruby wanted a smoke, their group was still partly standing outside the tent, close to where the paparazzi and reporters were positioned for some photos and short interviews when the band came over to the tent. Cas suspected that Ruby only chose to smoke right now so she had a reason to be close to the entrance and therefore one of the first people to see Dean Winchester.

His co-workers had bugged him with questions ever since the concert had ended twenty minutes ago. How come he’d never told them he’d been friends with Dean Winchester, how had they met, were they still in contact, yada yada yada.

Bartholomew was there as well, but under the tight surveillance of Zar, which made him behave. April on the other hand was endlessly trying to engage him in conversation and was constantly in his personal space. What was wrong with these two? They were even more confusing and annoying than usual.

The clicking of cameras was the first sign that Purgatory had finally shown up, followed directly by all the questions thrown at them.

A feisty redhead Cas knew to be Charlie Bradbury held up her hand, smoothly silencing the reporters. “Guys, come on, one question at a time. You,” she added, pointing to one of them.

“Dean, how was it to perform in front of so many familiar faces.”

Cas took this opportunity to look Dean up and down very closely. He could still see so much of the young man that had walked out his door ten years ago. At the same time Dean had grown to be a very handsome, strong man and Cas had a suspicion that his best friend was just like a fine whiskey that would simply get better with age. His hair was much shorter than it used to be, but still long enough for Cas to imagine running his hand through and gripping it to hold him close for a deep kiss …

Halfway through Dean’s answer, Cas’ eyes wandered back to the singer’s face and just as before, he found piercing green eyes on him. The superstar finished answering, his gaze constantly wandering between the reporter and Cas. It made the doctor smile and while answering the next question, Dean was hardly able to contain his own grin.

And, oh shit, there it was again. Their ability to have whole conversations with just simple glances and stares. Unbelievable, they were standing here, on the beach of Monterey, in front of a freaking VIP tent, the only light coming from the moon and the torches all around, and they were having a silent conversation while Dean was giving a freaking interview and Cas was pestered by some co-workers that wouldn’t take no for an answer.

_I’ve missed you._

_I’ve missed you too._

_I wanna hug you right now._

_Then do it._

_But everybody would know I know you._

_I don’t care._

_The media would be all over you._

_I don’t fucking care, get your ass over here and hug me already._

“Dean, do you think you’ll see your best friend again while you’re here?”

“Actually,” Dean started, sending one more look at Cas. A slight nod as confirmation was all it took. “Actually, I’ve already found him, so if you’ll excuse me.”

With that, Dean purposefully strode over to where Cas was standing and before anyone of the bystanders knew what was going on or could even react, Dean was in Cas’ arms, hugging him with every inch of his life.

The cameras went wild as did some of the people around them, but all Cas focused on was the smell and the feel of Dean in his arms. Leather, aftershave, sweat, sand, and ocean. His Dean.

“Hello, Dean,” he whispered, trying hard not to close his eyes, and Dean’s typical, “Hey, Cas,” was his answer.

~*~*~*~

Holding Cas in his arms again was a feeling like nothing else. Hearing his rough voice in his ear, using the familiar greeting like he had ever since they’d first met, sent shivers down his spine and he couldn’t help but close his eyes for a second. Good thing he was the one with his back towards the paparazzi.

He could hear Charlie handling the reporters before he felt her hand on his back. Reluctantly, he pulled away from Cas.

“Why don’t we move this inside, hm?”

Dean nodded, spotting his band members already insight the tent. But as soon as his focus wasn’t solely on Cas anymore, he was able to see the people standing around him. While most of them look flabbergasted, some faces were smiling at them. Faces he actually knew.

“Anna?”

Her smile grew even wider as she took the step forward to give him a hug. He pulled her close and lifted her up from the ground a bit.

“God, I can’t believe it’s you, you’re beautiful.”

Her laugh was angelic. “Charming as ever, Casanova.”

When he set her down, she put one of her hands on his cheek, smiling fondly at him. “It’s so good to see you again. We’ve missed you.”

“Same,” was all he could choke out.

“Speak for yourself,” a sassy voice spoke up, and Dean couldn’t believe hearing this particular voice would one day make him smile like this. “I for one did not miss Losechester at all.”

“Right back at ya, she-devil.”

They grinned at each other for just a second, before giving in and hugging as well.

“Glad you finally found your way home,” she whispered, only for him to hear. He tightened his hold for just a second, whispering back, “Me too,” before letting her go and both pretending like this hug had never happened.

“Freckles!”

“Oh look, the limey git. Look at you, you haven’t changed one bit. Still the V-necked, pompous ass I used to know.”

“Thanks, sweetheart. You, on the other hand, look old. Where’s all the puppy fat you used to have?”

“Would you two please just hug it out? We all know you want to,” Anna interrupted their banter and they happily complied. It wasn’t the bone-crushing hug the others had gotten, more like a manly, one armed hug with a final clap on the back before parting again.

After that, Charlie finally ushered them all inside. They ignored the questions being called by the reporters about who his friends were, if one of them was his “mysterious” first love … you know, the typical things.

Once inside, Dean was back at Castiel’s side. It took him a moment to register that his old friends had more company with them, but Cas simply waved it off, telling him they were just some co-workers. Dean recognized one of them as the guy that had hugged his friend during the concert, but he ignored the douchebag.

Instead, the singer focused on introducing his old friends to his band. They greeted Cas with hugs as if they’d known each other for years and while it warmed the singer’s heart, it seemed to surprise the doctor a great deal. That was until Jo whispered, “We’ve heard a lot about you,” before giving him a wink and releasing him. Instantly, Cas’ eyes were on Dean again. With a smile and a slight nod, the singer told him wordlessly that, yes, his band knew it all. Cas’ smile was radiant.

As his band talked to Cas for a few minutes, Dean used the chance to really look at him. He had changed. When they’d last seen each other, Cas had still been a bit on the scrawny side. Not unhealthy or anything, just lean and all limbs. He still wasn’t broad-shouldered now, but you could clearly see that he had muscles and a finely toned body. Dean guessed he worked out. His hair, however, was just as unruly and wild as it had always been, and it made Dean smile. God, but how he wanted to run his hands through it again and just mess it up even more.

The fact that Cas sent wide and radiant smiles his way while his deep blue eyes sparkled did not help to dampen this urge in any way.

It was loud in the packed VIP tent and so many people were trying to talk to him. Dean tried his best to give them his full attention, but all too soon he realized there was no chance in hell that would happen until he had talked to Cas for real. He excused himself from a girl in a daring outfit that Dean thought had been part of Cas’ group and went over to where the man was talking with Charlie.

“Charlie, would you give us a minute, please?”

“Of course,” she said, smiling at both of them.

And suddenly, they were standing in front of each other, secluded in a corner. They could still be seen from all around the tent, but for some magical reason they were left alone to talk. Dean would have to remember to thank his band later on. He knew most of them didn’t like these gatherings (except for Bela, who loved the attention) but they were mingling right now just to give Dean a breather.

“So …,” he began, honestly not knowing what to say. Unbelievable. He had written one song after another for this man. But now, standing in front of him again, his brain was just blank.

“So …,” Cas mimicked him, seemingly in a similar situation.

They stared at each other for a second, before huffing out an amused laugh. This was so weird and so not them.

“I’ve thought about this moment very often,” Cas finally admitted. “And about all the things I wanted to say to you … and now I’ve forgotten every single one of them.”

“Same,” Dean nodded in affirmation. “Which is weird, seeing how I just wrote a song for you, describing how much I want to tell you everything.”

That made Cas chuckle and Dean was reminded of how much he had missed the sound. Cas’ chuckle had always been addictive and contagious.

Loud laughter from somewhere in the tent had both men looking around. It made them aware again that people were staring, even though they didn’t approach. Dean could actually see some cellphones trained on them. Maybe the media wasn’t allowed in here, but VIPs liked to take pictures and videos as well. They were probably already all over the internet.

Turning back towards Cas, Dean gave him an apologetic and sincere look.

“I really meant it, though. There’s a lot I want to tell you and talk to you about. It’s just …” He let his gaze wander around the room full of people that all wanted a piece of Dean Winchester, when all he wanted to be right now was Dean.

“… not the right place,” Cas finished his thought.

Studying his old friend, the singer could see understanding in his eyes, but also disappointment. Dean took a leap of faith.

“We were planning on staying here in Monterey for a few days. Could I … I mean, would you … could we ...?”

“Meet?”

Cas’ voice sounded so hopeful, it made Dean’s heart flutter. He was having a hard time holding himself back when all he wanted to do was hug this man and never let him go again. “Yeah …,” he breathed out, his eyes not leaving Cas’.

“I’d like that very much, Dean,” he replied just as quietly.

Nodding, Dean tried to at least get a few of his brain cells working again. “Great. Do you … I mean, are you still living in that house?” When Cas’ eyes widened, he was quick to backpedal. “I mean, we can meet somewhere else, of course, I just thought –”

“No, it’s fine,” Cas interrupted him. They both stayed silent for a second before Cas went on. “And yes, I still live there.”

“Good.”

Okay, the amount of staring they had going on here was probably not a good way to pretend they’d just been best buddies. What was it she-devil used to call it? Oh right, eye sex. The only problem was: Dean had absolutely no idea how to look away. He needed to leave Cas’ side before he did something really stupid. God, he didn’t even know if Cas was still single. Maybe he was happily married by now …

“How about tonight?”

Only when he saw Cas’ eyes widen again did he realize he’d really just blurted that question out. This time, however, Cas was quick to answer before any panic could set in.

“Yes.”

Funny, he looked just as surprised about his rash answer as Dean had about asking. In a more serious tone, Cas continued.

“But only if you can make sure no one follows you. I really don’t need paparazzi snooping around my place.”

For some reason, this made Dean smile. Maybe it was the familiar way Cas’ eyebrows knitted together when he was talking about something serious, or the little scowl he had going on. Whatever it was, Dean suddenly felt so much lighter, more comfortable. This was Cas. His Cas, and they would fix whatever had been broken between them.

“Don’t worry about that. I still know my way around here, especially how to sneak over to your place.” For emphasis, he wiggled his eyebrows. It was so stupid since Dean had never really had to “sneak” to Cas’ house back in those days, but he felt playful and was rewarded when Cas gave him a silly and mischievous grin.

“You sure you do? It’s been a while, maybe you’ve lost your edge, old man.”

Barking out a laugh, Dean playfully shoved Cas’ shoulder for that. “Oh trust me, I can be sneaky and smooth if I need to.” When he threw him a wink, Cas only huffed out a laugh and shook his head. He was still smiling though.

Dean could feel Charlie looking at him and he knew he needed to mingle for a bit. He also needed to be careful how he acted around Cas. Yeah, it probably would be better if they met in the privacy of Cas’ home later on.

“I have to mingle for a bit, talk to the people and all that. But after …”

“Don’t worry about it. We had been planning on spending a bit more time here anyway,” Cas admitted, even though he didn’t look too pleased at the thought and Dean wondered why that was. “So I won’t be back any time soon. Just … just come by once you’re free?” The way his voice sounded so small at his question, yet so hopeful, almost broke Dean’s heart. He wanted to erase this insecurity, not just now, but for all eternity.

“Sounds perfect, Angel.”

Okay, so maybe that had been a tad too much. They both looked shell-shocked. It was one thing for Dean to call him his buddy again, but an entirely different one to use his old pet name. Dean could feel the heat rising in his face, but he did not backpedal this time. Other than nodding, Cas seemed to let his slip-up slide as well.

“Dean?”

The singer almost jumped at Charlie’s call, but was able to control himself. Turning towards his manager, he saw her giving him a little jerk with her head. Time for reconnecting was over.

“Time for me to go.”

Again, Cas only nodded.

“I hate to ask for this, but … could we hug goodbye so it looks like we’re parting ways? It will help keeping the rumors down for now. And if they think we still have unfinished business, they’re much more likely to come snooping around.”

To his immense relief, Cas gave him a slight nod, before his smile was back full force.

“It was good to see you again, Dean,” he told him, just slightly louder than they’d spoken before. Loud enough now for people close to them to hear. Dean answered in kind.

“Absolutely, Cas. Seriously man, let’s stay in contact this time.” Pulling him into another hug, he made sure to keep it as light as possible.

“I’d like that,” Cas answered, clapping him on the back like a friend would do, before pulling back from the hug. “Don’t wait another ten years to come back, we really missed you here.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, promise.”

With a final smile and a clap on the shoulder, Dean stepped away from Cas, letting the crowd swallow him.

~*~*~*~

The festival was still in full swing when Cas and the others left the VIP party. The concert had ended over two hours ago, but no one seemed to care. Most stalls were still open, yet the group of friends and acquaintances ignored them in favor of a stroll along the shore to get back to their cars.

It didn’t take long for the questions to start up again. Thankfully, these people had behaved while in the VIP area, but now it seemed all bets were off. Even though Anna’s connection to Dean had been no secret, the intimacy between them had still surprised their company. Anna just shrugged it off and told them they’d grown up together, so what? Meg and Zar’s answers were evasive. They’d known Dean through Anna and Cas, had become sort of friends, end of story. Cas wanted to be just as secretive, but no, his short explanation of “we met as kids and grew up together,” wasn’t good enough.

“Obviously, you did not just grow up together,” Tessa insisted and Becky was quick to jump in: “Dean freaking Winchester wrote a song for you and called you his _best friend_. Why did you never tell us?”

“I never told you because it’s none of your business,” Cas snapped, getting fed up with this. He stopped and turned around, effectively bringing their little convoy to a halt. “I know it might be hard to believe for some of you,” – yes, he made sure to eye Ruby especially – “but I don’t need people constantly swarming around me, asking me things about Dean and his past. For me, he isn’t just some famous rock star. He’s my friend. And I’m not going to sell out a friendship for a short time in the spotlight.”

“Is that really the only reason?”

Cas fixed Bartholomew with an icy glare. He was already thinking about punching him for almost ruining his own song by trying to actually cuddle with him. But the nurse’s insinuation made this desire even stronger. Instead, he tried to play it down. No need to show the guy he had hit a sore spot. “What’s that supposed to mean?

“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” Bart answered with a leering grin.

The doctor really hoped the darkness around him would hide the fact that all blood left his face, leaving him most likely as white as a sheet. As it seemed, his silence was just as much of a giveaway.

“Now look at that, Bartholomew. I guess you might be right,” Michael chimed in and Cas felt as if someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet. All eyes were on him and he could see his shock mirrored on his friends’ faces. “What’s that, Castiel? Did you have a crush on your best friend?”

_Crush?_

“ _Did_ have a crush?” Bart’s voice was full of mockery. “No, Michael, I’d rather say he _still_ has a crush.”

“Wow, how pathetic is that,” Ruby joined in, laughing tauntingly. “Don’t tell us you said no to these guys because you’re hung up on a famous and very, very straight rock star.”

The laughter all around was short and full of ridicule before everything grew still, all of them waiting for Castiel to tell them how wrong they were.

Cas kept quiet.

“Oh my God.” – “You’ve gotta be kidding.” – “That is … wow, I have no word for this.”

Good, let them think whatever they wanted as long as they stayed far from the truth.

“Castiel, you can’t be serious,” Michael insisted, all mockery gone, replaced by thinly veiled anger. “Are you telling me –”

“I’m not telling you anything,” Cas cut him off, his voice much calmer than he felt. “It’s none of your business, that’s all. Think what you want about me, as long as you finally leave me the fuck alone.”

With that, he turned around and marched the rest of the way back towards their cars. Thank God his friends were quick to follow, leaving the rest of their group far behind.

“For a second there, I thought they got you,” Anna confessed quietly once the doors of Zar’s car were firmly shut, and they all nodded in confirmation.

It was a quiet ride home, each of them busy with their own thoughts. Cas tried to breathe evenly in and out to calm his ever growing nerves. He seriously couldn’t care less if he was ridiculed for his _crush_. No. As he leaned his head against the cold window all his thoughts were on Dean once more.

Dean.

He had called him Angel again and while he knew the first time on the stage had been deliberate, the second time had obviously been a slip of tongue. Had it just been from habit or did it really mean something to the singer? Whichever it was, it had done things to Cas he was hardly able to comprehend. He had felt hot and cold all over, shiver after shiver running up his spine. The bees in his stomach had come to life again, making him feel like he hadn’t felt in way too many years.

This was not good, so not good. The little devil inside his head wouldn’t shut up, giving him hope that maybe there was more in store for Castiel and Dean than a mended friendship. It had left him on edge the whole time and almost made him nauseous now. How would he be able to talk to Dean as if they were just old friends?

God, this whole night was such a rollercoaster of emotions.

It had been hard, letting Dean go “mingle”, as he had called it. Cas had tried not to stare too much, but his eyes had found the singer every so often. It was amazing, the way he’d interacted with his fans, hugging some and letting them take pictures with him. Bobby had been there, as well as some more of Dean’s old friends.

And then suddenly, there had been a woman by his side. Cas had recognized her as Cassie Robinson right away. She’d been Dean’s girlfriend shortly before Cas’ return from England and she was one of those women that loved to sell their so called “love story” to the media. The doctor had felt a small wave of jealousy hit him, especially since Dean had graciously greeted her with a hug as well, talking to her for a while. He was way too much of a gentleman to embarrass her in front of others or the cameras since lots of videos and pictures seemed to be taken of their encounter.

The jealousy had dissipated the moment Dean parted from Cassie. For a brief moment, their eyes met and Dean winked at him. It had told Cas all he needed to know.

Purgatory had left the party shortly after and not wanting to look too suspicious, Cas had lingered for a while longer before gently bringing up the idea of calling it a night to his friends.

Now, as Zar’s car finally pulled up in front of his house, it was almost two in the morning. Cas hugged his friends good night before leaving the car. Taking a deep breath, he made his way to his front door.

~*~*~*~

Meeting Cassie Robinson had not exactly been pleasant. Thanks to Charlie, Dean knew of most of his old acquaintances who enjoyed using his name to bask in the spotlight and Cassie was at the top of that list. Not wanting to cause a scene, he’d played along long enough to not be impolite, chatting a bit with her, before excusing himself and moving on. During the whole exchange, he’d felt Cas’ gaze boring into his head, so once he was done with that woman, he’d searched for familiar blue eyes to send the doctor a quick wink. The shy smile he’d received in return made butterflies soar in his stomach.

At the end of the night, he had no idea how many hands he’d shaken or how many hugs he’d shared. He was simply relieved when Charlie allowed them to get back to the hotel at last. Knowing that Cas had still been at the party when the band had left, Dean took the time for a quick shower before sneaking outside. Pulling the baseball cap deep over his face, he hailed a cab and gave them an address two blocks away from Cas’ house. He hadn’t lied when he’d told his old friend that he knew how to go undetected. It was a skill he’d perfected over the last few years, hiding from paparazzi and fans alike. Not risking giving out Cas’ address, he opted rather to walk there.

When he reached the house, it was dark inside. Had Cas already gone to bed instead of waiting for him? For the first time, Dean checked the time. The clock on his phone told him it was close to 2 am. It also told him he’d gotten a text message from Charlie. Reluctantly, he opened it, while hiding behind the high bushes and trees closest to Cas’ house.

_Please be careful not to be seen anywhere around Castiel’s house or with him at all. Social media is exploding right now with all the footage of you two as well as some other people you met. I’ll keep an eye on the rumors and make sure they’re not getting out of hand. Call me tomorrow._

The way Charlie phrased her text made Dean smile. He could be sneaky all he wanted, she simply knew him too well. He quickly answered her, promising to be careful and to give her a call, and also thanking her for being such a great hacker. It had helped him once or twice in the past to get a rumor off social media before it could go viral. _Yep, having a brilliant hacker and computer master mind as your close friend and manager certainly has its perks._

As he put his phone back in his pocket, he heard a car approaching. Peeking around the tree, he saw a silver Camaro stopping in front of Cas’ driveway. When the back door opened, the people inside were illuminated and Dean could see Anna, Meg, and Zar sitting inside, while Cas got out. Now that was perfect timing.

He saw his friend stopping for a second, taking a deep breath, before continuing towards his house. Waiting for the car to leave, Dean took a step forward into the glow from the porch light just as Cas was unlocking the door. Jerking in surprise, the man spun around but breathed a sigh of relief once he recognized Dean. Looking around quickly to make sure no one was watching, he opened the door and motioned for him to come in with a simple nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Wiz Khalifa, “See you again”


	6. Chapter Four: The Truth Is, Baby You're All That I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the ultimate feels, listen to Bon Jovi, “[Bed of Roses](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvR60Wg9R7Q)” – it’s the song that helped me write this chapter :)

**Chapter Four: The Truth Is, Baby You're All That I Need**

Following Cas into the house without a second thought, Dean was hit by a wave of nostalgia. It all looked so familiar, not much had changed.

The front door let into a small entry with room for shoes, jackets, keys, and whatnot. Three steps in and it opened to a spacious open living area, all in warm browns and whites, with splashes of forest green and ocean blue. To the left was the living room with a couch Dean didn’t recognize. It definitely looked more comfy than the old thing Cas used to have. There was a fireplace with a mantle full of picture frames, surrounded by huge floor-to-ceiling shelves filled with books, DVDs, and some more pictures. A huge TV system was between the shelves, certainly an upgrade from the old, shabby thing they used to watch Star Wars on.

Straight ahead were the stairs leading to the upper floors, right next to them a hallway that led to a guest bathroom and a spare room. To the right of the entrance was the dining room and Dean could see that the table was overflowing with things, mostly books and papers.

Diagonally across from the entrance, located behind the dining room and next to the stairs, was the open kitchen. Dean had to swallow at the sight of it. How often had he been standing there, cooking for Cas. And how often had they done other things there as well …

Taking it all in, the singer had a hard time keeping his emotions in check. It didn’t matter that he’d never officially moved in with Cas, this had been his home once and he’d missed everything about it; from the soft green rug in front of the fireplace they’d spent so much time on; the third step of the stair case that always creaked, no matter how gently you stepped on it; to the slight crack in the wall, right where the kitchen ended and the dining room began. An especially heated fight between them that involved a flying mug had caused that one. On the plus side, the makeup sex on the kitchen counter had been just as heated.

“Do you want anything? Water, coffee, whiskey?”

“Ehm,” Dean had to shake his head to get the image of half-naked Cas on the kitchen counter out of it, before he could look at the man in question again. “I guess whiskey sounds about right for this situation,” he admitted sheepishly.

Cas huffed out a laugh. “It seems you can still read my mind.”

He made his way over to the kitchen, pulled down a full bottle of Dean’s favorite whiskey as well as two glasses and brought them over to the couch.

“I think I’d like to change quickly. I’ll just be a minute, make yourself at home.”

Dean visibly winced at the doctor’s choice of words, leading to Cas blushing furiously.

“Well, you know …” he stumbled out, before simply turning around and almost running up the stairs.

Dean felt the creaking third step like a punch to the chest.

_Yep, whiskey sounds very good._

The singer filled both glasses and took his over towards the bookshelves, keeping his mind occupied by browsing through Cas’ collections. It wasn’t long before his eyes were drawn towards the pictures. To his immense surprise, lots of them showed his own face, from when they were still kids up to the time they had dated. Cas had kept all these?

A pressure against his legs made him look down. Calculating eyes looked up at him and he stared right back at the cat winding around his legs.

“Hello there. Who are you?”

“Shit, sorry Dean, I forgot to put him away.”

Startled, Dean almost spilled his whiskey over the cat. He was pretty sure the Egyptian Mau would have taken it badly and that wouldn’t have been a good start for the two of them. Cas already made a move to take the cat away, but the singer stopped him in his hasty run. “Chill, Cas, it’s alright.”

“But.” The confused look he received was way too adorable. “What about your allergies?”

Shrugging, Dean kneeled down to give the cat a scratch behind its furry ears. “I’m on meds anyway. Charlie has a whole bunch of them and even if we don’t have our meetings at her house, the hairs are usually all over her. Without the meds, I couldn’t be friends with that woman.”

Cas simply nodded at this explanation, opting to go for his whiskey instead of his cat.

“His name is Gabriel, but I usually call him Gabe.”

“Heya, Gabe. Nice to meet ya.”

Gabe allowed the singer to scratch him for a few more seconds, before leaving the kneeling man to greet Castiel. When Dean stood back up his eyes landed on the old photos once more.

“I can’t believe you still have so many pictures of me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

The question was sincere, almost blunt. It was so typically Cas.

Instead of answering, Dean held the doctor’s gaze for a moment, before he decided to pick up one of the pictures. It showed the two of them in costume, ready to go trick-or-treating. They must have been six or seven. All Dean remembered was that it was after his mother’s death but with Cas’ parents still alive as it was the time his friend had developed his insane love affair with bees.

“You looked so cute in this bee-costume. Remember how you handed out pamphlets to save the bees?”

“I do,” Cas replied, smiling at the memory as much as Dean did. “I also remember that you were pouting the whole time because people kept asking if you wanted to save bats.”

“I did not pout.”

“Oh, yes, you did. You had this typical Dean-Winchester-pout –”

“Dude, that’s not even a thing.”

“ – and you were complaining like a baby –”

“That is so not true.”

“ – just because no one saw that you were actually wearing a Batman costume.”

“Which was really a shame, it was an awesome costume.”

“Yes,” Cas replied, a fond grin on his lips. “Yes, it really was. Sorry my bee-obsession ruined it.”

Dean put the picture back down, a gentle smile on his face as he traced the two grinning best friends in the picture. “No, never say sorry for that,” he finally murmured, just loud enough to be heard in the quiet room. “Your bee-obsession is endearing.”

“You mean it _was_.”

“What,” Dean replied, his smile turning cheeky, “you mean to tell me you don’t have it anymore?”

The red flush spreading over Cas’ cheeks told him all he needed to know, making the singer chuckle. Leaving the picture behind, Dean moved over to sit on the couch. Gabriel jumped up immediately, making himself a cozy place next to him.

“How about some music to relax?” Cas asked. He seemed a bit nervous, still standing in the middle of the living room, whiskey in his hand. It took Dean half a second to check out the doctor and although he’d had a hard time not drooling over Cas’ last outfit, the new combo of bare feet, loose jeans, and an old band tee – _is that one of my old ones?_ – did things to him he really didn’t want to think about. This was so not the time for that.

“Sure, why not,” he croaked out before clearing his throat and quickly taking a sip. The burn of old whiskey helped to calm his nerves a bit.

The tune of an old classic rock song filled the room and Dean closed his eyes, letting the familiar tunes soothe him. Once he felt Cas sit down as well, he opened his eyes and looked at the man. Bare feet tucked under his legs, the doctor leaned against the armrest, facing his old friend. It looked so comfortable Dean suddenly felt confined in his sneakers.

“Mind if I …,” he asked, gesturing towards his feet.

“Sure, go for it. Get comfortable.”

Dean toed off his shoes and socks, glad he’d taken the time to shower and dress in fresh clothes. He nudged at Gabe a bit until he was able to comfortably sit cross-legged on the couch, now facing Cas as well. Gabe was complaining about having to move, before resituating himself in the hollow of the singer’s legs.

Stroking the fur ball gently Dean thought the cat might be a safe topic to start with. “When did you get him?”

“Three years ago. He was a stray around the hospital, always begging for food and water. For weeks we tried to find his owner, but had no luck. We couldn’t keep him at the hospital for obvious reasons. But the little trickster grew on all of us and a lot of us wanted to take him home.”

“How did you end up with him?”

“Gabe decided I was his new servant and that was that.”

The fond look in Cas’ eyes as he watched his furry companion really touched Dean’s heart. But at the same time, an uneasy feeling grew. Carefully, he tried to voice it. “I never knew you wanted cats.”

“Well, I didn’t.” It sounded honest. “I mean, I never really thought about it. Your allergies …”

An awkward silence set in, neither of them meeting the other’s eyes. Good thing Gabe was there to focus on. Dean had no idea how much time had passed when Cas’ shy voice enquired, “Did you mean it?”

Confused, he looked back up.

“That I’m still the one that knows you best?”

Without any hesitation Dean held his gaze. “Yes. I think you do.”

This time, there was no awkwardness in their silence, but a kind of energy Dean knew all too well. It had been years since he’d felt anything like it, but it was so familiar.

“Even though I haven’t been part of your life for ten years?”

Dean wanted to shake his head, wanted to tell Cas that he’d always been part of his life, even though they’d been separated. But he wasn’t sure if maybe that was a bit too weird and too much to take for the thin ice they were treading on. So instead, he nodded in the affirmative. The smile that played around Cas’ lips was one of those he’d always wanted to kiss right off. Before he could do anything stupid, like lean over the couch and just chase his desires, the doctor spoke again. “Well, why don’t you tell me about all the things I’ve missed?”

And so Dean did.

He began telling Cas about his hasty departure from Monterey. About the first nights spent on Sammy’s couch until he’d found a hole in the wall for himself. About starting to drink his pain away. About going to the same bar every night. About meeting Benny there and trusting someone else enough to actually talk to. About Benny helping him getting his act together. About writing his song. Their song.

Once he started, the words flowed and Dean told Cas everything. He didn’t even hold back about the darker times, knowing his old friend wouldn’t judge or pity. He made sure Cas wouldn’t feel guilty about it either. “It wasn’t your fault I couldn’t handle the truth,” he told the doctor, to which the man only nodded, taking another sip of whiskey.

After that, it was Cas’ turn. Dean heard about the way Cas had buried himself in even more work, hardly sleeping or eating. Heard about how he almost broke down when he’d heard Dean’s song the first time. Heard about how Cas had become obsessed with reading every little detail about Dean Winchester and Purgatory that he could find in the media. How he had spent hours up on hours google searching the man, his songs, his videos, his interviews – everything. How Anna had moved in with him for half a year to help her brother get his life back together.

As the doctor finished his equally pathetic story of handling their break up, he got up to refill both of their glasses. Sitting back down, he let out a long sigh. “Guess that’s that. How about we talk about something more pleasant?”

“Like what?” Dean asked, still partly in his own thoughts.

He missed Cas’ mischievous smile, but it was clear in his voice when he answered, “How about that time you thought you could actually eat a dozen pies in one sitting?”

“I hate you sometimes,” Dean mumbled into his tumbler before taking a sip and throwing a pillow at his laughing friend.

~*~*~*~

Conversation after that flowed between them with an ease they seemed to have lost long before the end of their relationship. The whiskey tumblers had found their way on the coffee table as their story telling got more animated with every passing minute. They shared memory after memory, sometimes even finishing each other’s sentences in their excitement. More than once they found each other doubling over from laughter, only stopping once they needed to breathe again. God, Cas had missed Dean’s full body laugh.

Gabriel had long since left their side and was currently lounging in between the books on one of the shelves, always the perfect bookend. “Your cat is a perfect bookend,” Dean pointed out and Cas only chuckled about how in sync their thoughts were.

They’d reached the point of just being silly a while ago. At one point, they’d both slipped down onto the floor and sat side by side now, backs leaning against the couch, shoulders almost touching as did their spread-eagled legs. Cas felt high and he briefly wondered if this was how it felt when you smoked weed. He knocked his knee against Dean’s, just because and felt the singer’s chuckle more than he heard it, before his friend’s knee came back to knock into his as well.

The night was clearly coming to an end. Not because either of them wanted to part, but because it was getting late. Or early, depending. They were both tired; Cas could tell by the way Dean became more and more quiet.

The doctor leaned his head back, letting it rest on the couch. It was an awkward angle and hurt his neck, but he didn’t care as he let his head fall to the side so he could look at Dean. The singer was staring ahead into the distance. They were so close Cas could see the vein in the singer’s neck beating. The urge to suck the inviting skin was almost overwhelming, so instead he closed his eyes, not wanting to ruin the peaceful moment.

“It’s getting late,” Dean began and had to stop because of a yawn. “I should probably go.”

“Or you could stay.”

It felt as if he had poured a bucket of ice over them both. Cas could feel how his friend went from relaxed and loose to tense and stiff in a heartbeat and the doctor’s eyes flew open. Jerking up, he met Dean’s wide open eyes. “I mean … I didn’t … I wasn’t talking … the guestroom,” he finally choked out and even though Dean nodded, the bubble of peace and familiarity they had built was ruined. _Shit_.

“Okay,” Dean choked out, eyes still wide open, and it took Cas a second to realize he was answering his offer.

“Okay, good, I’ll just …,” _get out of here and sink into the next black hole_ , Cas finished in his head. In reality, he hastily tried to get up, stumbling only slightly. He grabbed the tumblers and left for the kitchen where he dropped them into the sink.

Closing his eyes, he tried to calm his nerves.

This was so stupid. How were they supposed to handle a friendship when some poorly chosen words here and there were able to throw them off every time?

He took a few breaths, in and out, in and out.

Cas knew he wanted this, wanted Dean back in his life. But if he was completely honest with himself, he also wanted more of him and he just wasn’t sure how he could handle it.

He sensed rather than heard the movement behind him and turned around.

Dean was standing mere feet from him at the kitchen island. His gaze was so honest and open, so vulnerable that Cas knew he wasn’t alone in this.

“What’re we doing here, Cas?”

“I don’t know.”

The singer’s green eyes bore into his and for the life of him, he couldn’t break eye contact. Dean had always thought that music was his only way to express himself, but by God, the man had no idea how open his eyes were for Castiel to read. Desire, longing, hope, fear, it was all there, all so plain to see for him.

“I …,” Dean began, taking an uncertain step towards him. “Cas, I can’t … this isn’t …”

It made no sense, no sense at all, but maybe Dean had been right. Maybe Cas still was the one person that knew him best. Because he understood just fine.

“I’ve never stopped loving you,” Cas choked out and not a heartbeat later, Dean was in his arms. Their lips found each other and time around them stopped.

So sweet. Whiskey-tinged.

Without thinking, Cas let his tongue chase the taste, licking softly over Dean’s lips, eliciting a soft moan from the singer. Their kiss got more intense and Cas’ hand buried itself in Dean’s hair, searching for something to hold on to. He felt the singer’s hands on his backside and he was sure the handprints burned into his skin. He had absolutely no problem with that.

After an endlessly long kiss, Dean slowed down just a bit, letting their foreheads rest together, both gasping for air. They were swaying slightly, so Cas untangled one hand from Dean’s hair and held the singer securely by the hips. Pulling gently was enough for him to feel Dean against his own erection. Moaning softly, he closed his eyes. Dean’s lips were on his again, softer this time, but still speaking of the unspoken need between them. Cas was right there with him.

The next time it was the doctor who broke away for air, but Dean didn’t let him move away even an inch. Instead, the singer kissed along his chin, down his neck, _oh God he loved being kissed there_ , up to his ear lobe. “Me neither, Cas.” The warm whisper made him shiver and his hold on Dean tightened as the singer clarified. “I tried to stop loving you, but I never could.”

Their lips met again and Cas couldn’t get enough of Dean’s taste. He would gladly drown in it and die happy. There was only one thing that could make this moment any better, so he slowly let his hand wander up under Dean’s shirt to caress the skin above the waist of his jeans. Their kiss broke as they both moaned from the skin to skin contact.

“Cas,” was all Dean breathed out before they were kissing again. Only for a few moments, though, as the doctor knew he wouldn’t be able to control himself for much longer.

“Dean, bedroom, now.”

That seemed to stop the singer for a moment. His heated gaze, however, told Cas that it wasn't because he was against this idea. “Are you sure?”

His reply was almost a growl as he told Dean, “Don’t ask stupid questions,” making the singer chuckle. After one more kiss, Cas took his lover’s hand, leading him out of the kitchen as he switched off the lights behind them.

~*~*~*~

Dean followed his Cas without a second thought up the stairs – _hello there third step that still creaks every time_ – and into the familiar room. The moment the bedroom door closed, the mood seemed to shift. Gone was the frantic urgency and what was left was raw emotions and feelings. Cas didn’t bother switching on the lights, the only illumination the moonlight shining through the window. Slowly, sinfully, Dean pressed Cas up against the door with his own body. He saw those blue eyes close just before the doctor’s head leaned back against the heavy wood. Taking the invitation willingly Dean’s lips found Cas’ pulse and he kissed it sweetly, before nipping on it gently. The moan he elicited went straight to his cock.

The singer’s hands found their way to Cas’ hips and he could feel the heat through the thin shirt. Oh, this was definitely one of his old ones, he was sure of it. Rubbing gentle circles over Cas’ narrow hips, the singer lifted the washed out material of the band tee ever so slightly, savoring the moment his fingertips came in contact with warm skin. As he let his hands glide along his lover’s smooth skin, carefully sliding the shirt up along the way, he felt gentle tugs at his hair that dragged out a groan from him. Cas playing with his hair had always been such a turn on.

Ridding Cas of his shirt and feeling the doctor’s eager hands stripping him of his flannel in return, Dean was lost in the warmth of the gorgeous, naked torso in front of him. He wanted to taste every inch, so he crouched down slightly, starting at the finely toned stomach that shivered under his lips. Cas smelled of the ocean, of summer and a day spent at the beach and the singer breathed it all in. The smell of his Cas. Up the ribcage where he could feel the thin scar from when they were ten years old. The skin was warm and smooth and Dean couldn’t get enough of the delicious taste that filled all of his senses with a call of home. Along his upper arms and over the shoulders to the collarbone that held the faintest hint of a salty taste. The singer took his sweet time, letting his hands roam reverently over his lover’s body, his lips following, discovering anew what he’d once known so well.

He took his time, taking the doctor apart piece by piece.

Cas let out a sharp gasp that turned into a breathy moan as the singer let his fingertips wander over his lover’s sensitive nipples. Satisfied and with a huge grin, Dean caught Cas’ lips once more, not stopping the teasing. For Cas, his nipples had always been one of his most erogenous zones and the singer loved playing with them, hearing every single noise he could draw from the man. He felt hands on his hips, under his shirt, gripping tight as if needing to hold on for dear life. Shuddering from the skin contact he broke their kiss, only to make his way along Cas’ scruffy jaw again, down his neck, further and further until he reached the nipple over his lover’s heart.

“Oh, God, Deaaan.”

He couldn’t stop beaming as he gave the other nipple the same attention.

The singer could feel Cas’ hands working to get him naked as well, but his brain didn’t warn him in time. The second the doctor’s feather light touches reached Dean’s ribcage, he gave a little jerk, reflexively trying to pull away. The grip on his hips tightened instantly and all he saw was the devilish grin on his lover’s face as he nipped on Dean’s lower lip.

“Still ticklish, I see.”

“Bastard.”

Dean swallowed Cas’ deep chuckle that sounded way sexier than any chuckle had the right to sound. His lover made quick work of the rest of the shirt and the warm mouth was against the singer’s neck, cherishing every inch of it with open mouthed kisses, before Dean even had the shirt fully off. It was the singer’s turn to breathe out a soft moan, leaning heavily against Cas again. Dean’s hands found the doctor’s ass and he pulled him away from the door just enough to be able to squeeze it lightly. The sound that Cas moaned right into his ear as their lengths moved together had Dean almost coming in his jeans. He grabbed that ass even tighter, trying to ground himself.

Cas hadn’t bothered with a belt after changing and Dean quickly opened button and zipper. Instead of just pulling the jeans down, his hands wandered to his lover’s backside once more, slipping under the well-worn denim. What he found made him pull his head away in surprise. Raising one eyebrow he almost laughed at Cas’ slightly embarrassed but cheeky grin.

“I might have had high hopes when I got changed.”

Chuckling at that, Dean began nibbling at the doctor’s earlobe while slowly letting the jeans slip off his naked butt and down his thighs. And holy hell, that were some fine toned thighs. He couldn’t wait to have those around him, but for now, he got on his knees and kissed every inch of them while helping his lover to step out of the constricting material.

As he got back up, claiming Cas’ lips once more, the doctor wasted no time in starting on Dean’s belt buckle. After what felt like way too long, the singer’s boxer shorts were the last piece of clothing to hit the floor.

One hand on the door, their bodies not touching, Dean was breathing heavily. As was Cas, who was still leaning against the hard surface, returning the singer’s intense gaze. This was everything he’d wanted for so long and now that it was here, directly before him …

Hesitantly, almost shyly, Dean raised his hand and caressed his angel’s cheek just so, his fingertips and knuckles barely touching. Cas closed his eyes for just a second but seemed to decide to rather keep them locked with Dean’s gaze. The love and wonder the singer could read in the ocean blue was overwhelming. Cradling this gorgeous face and closing his eyes, Dean leaned in to breathe a feather light kiss on his lover’s lips. Leaning their foreheads together again, he made sure to keep their bodies apart. As much as he didn’t want to talk right now, he also needed to make sure. Because he could do this only one way.

“Cas.”

God, these emotions were killing him. Swallowing, he tried again.

“Cas, what is this for you?”

He felt the hand of his angel on his shoulder, gripping him tight, and lips brushing against his hair line. Kisses rained all over his face, his closed eyes, his nose.

“Because, Cas,” he choked out before opening his eyes, pleading with his lover. “Angel, I can only do this, if I know you won’t throw me out again in the morning.”

A single tear slipped down from these gorgeous blue eyes and Dean knew he was close to tears as well.

“And I,” a raspy voice finally answered. “I can only do this if I know you won’t be gone in the morning. That you’re not just a dream.”

In a heartbeat, Dean wound his arms around his angel, holding him as close as he could. Even though they were both naked, there was nothing sexual about it, just warmth, familiarity, closeness they both needed. Dean kissed away all traces of tears from his angel’s eyes, before taking his hand and silently leading him towards the bed.

As the singer crawled onto it, Cas opened the middle drawer of the bed side table, pulling out some lube, throwing it on the bed. He seemed to hesitate before pulling out a pack of condoms, holding it up in question.

“I was tested a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t been with anyone for a while now,” Dean replied. As he saw the pack fall back into the drawer, a smile played around his lips. He held his hand out and as his angel took it, he leaned back, pulling the man with him.

“I’m clean as well,” Cas murmured in his neck as he cuddled close.

The singer chuckled, letting his hand roam freely over all the skin he could reach. “Thought so.”

Their kiss was deep and sweet, the heat between them building again. Cas’ moans were a sound Dean would never get used to. He had the irrational thought that in movies, this would be the point in time when music would start, drowning out all the noises the couple in bed were making. But even though music was the singer’s life, right now he wanted to hear nothing more than the beautiful sounds he was able to pull from his angel.

All too soon, his lover ended their kiss, only to let his lips explore Dean’s body. He took his sweet time and it was driving the singer almost insane, those burning kisses on his neck, the nips on his collarbone, the tongue flicks over his nipple before it was sucked into a hot mouth. Further down those lips went to the little pudge Dean never seemed able to get rid of. He’d always been so self-conscious about it, but his angel kissed and caressed it as if it was the most precious part of the singer’s body. So he just closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of somebody worshiping his body like this.

The next thing he knew, Cas had closed his lips over the head of Dean’s rock-hard cock. It sent his senses into overdrive while at the same time his mind went completely blank. All he could feel was the warm, wet heat around him, the soft texture of Cas’ hair between his fingers, the feeling of Cas. This amazing feeling he had missed for so long. And he was close. God, he was close already. But not like this, he didn’t want it to end like this, so he pulled his lover off his cock, who didn’t even question it. They still understood each other without words. His angel simply continued exploring along Dean’s thighs and the singer didn’t try to think anymore, just took it all in and let the feel of wet lips, soft fingers, and scruffy skin burn back into his mind.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he pulled Cas back up, eager to feel those full lips on his again. As their kiss broke this time, Dean searched the blue eyes. They were lust blown, full of love, but also held thinly veiled desperation. Without hesitation, Dean led Cas back into a kiss as he slowly rolled them over. Once he settled on top of his angel, a satisfied sigh told him that he had read him right once more.

Both men loved to switch. In the beginning of their relationship, it had often led to playful jostles for dominance. Once or twice, it had even been their stake in poker games. But most of the times, it simply fit without them having to talk about it. And right now, Dean knew that Cas wanted to feel him, wanted to be the one filled, wanted to be reassured that he was there and wouldn’t leave again. And Dean was more than willing to give his angel all that.

The caresses of the gorgeous body beneath him never stopped while he reached for the lube somewhere to his right. Their kisses were long and deep while Dean took his time opening his lover up. He knew he brought him close to the brink once or twice, loving the way his angel almost begged to be filled. Begged for him. But his restraint was not the best after waiting all these years, particularly after such an emotional day. So as soon as he was sure Cas was ready, he stopped torturing both of them.

He had dreamed about those blue eyes for years, but staring into them in this moment, seeing all the love and wonderment in them – nothing had ever come close to it. Cas’ hands found his on the pillow, their fingers interlaced, holding tight while they looked deeply into each other’s eyes, their bodies moving as one again. I love you’s were whispered just as often as their names. Kisses turned into panting against each other all too soon. Dean wanted to reach between them, to help Cas reach the brink along with him, but his angel wouldn’t let go of his hands, only enough sense left to shake his head No.

Dean’s thrusts soon became erratic; his fingers became white with tension from the strength with which he was crushing his lover’s hands. Neither cared. Cas’ legs clenching his hips urged him deeper with every thrust. He didn’t want to lose eye contact, but it was all so overwhelming. His head fell into the hollow of his lover’s shoulder and neck. Without hesitation, Dean kissed the salty sweat off, breathing in the scent that was Cas, as he panted against the flushed skin.

“Dean, Dean, Dea – ahhhhhh.”

He was right behind his angel, the sweet sound of his lover’s orgasm combined with the clenching around his cock all he needed. He didn’t stop his thrusts immediately, letting them both ride it out together. But they grew slower every time until he finally sank down on Cas completely.

Their hands stayed intertwined for a few more heartbeats, his angel only letting go to wind his arms around the heavily breathing singer.

Dean was pretty sure he was on the brink of falling asleep, when Cas started kissing along his neck and shoulder and back up to his ear. “You’re getting heavy,” he whispered sweetly, yet the singer had absolutely no desire to move. Instead, he burrowed his head deeper in the crook of his angel’s neck, eliciting a sweet laugh. “Come on, grumpy bear, let’s get cleaned up.”

“Only if you promise never to use that old nickname ever again,” he mumbled into pillow and skin, but he knew the doctor had heard him just fine, as he heard and felt another chuckle from his lover.

“Fine, I promise, now get up, grumpy bear.”

Lifting his head, Dean sent a playful glare at Cas. All he got was a sweet peck on the nose and a swat on his naked ass.

“You’re not up yet, so I can still call you whatever I want.”

There was a dirty comeback somewhere there, Dean just knew it. He was just too tired and drained to think of it. In favor of quickly getting back in bed to cuddle with his angel, Dean finally got up on his arms. Carefully, he pulled out of his lover before they got off the bed.

They made quick work of getting cleaned up. Cas got a toothbrush out for Dean and as they stood next to each other, brushing their teeth, a warmth that had nothing to do with their previous lovemaking settled over the singer. Sending his angel a lazy smile as he watched him in the mirror, he could see that he wasn’t the only one that felt it.

Ignoring all the clothes around them, they crawled back in bed butt naked. Cuddling close to his angel, Dean buried his nose in Cas’ hair, breathing in his amazing smell one last time as he drifted off into a deep, deep sleep. The last coherent thought he had was that he’d finally found his way home.

~*~*~*~

When Cas woke the next morning it was with a warm and fuzzy feeling. This had been the first time in a long while that the doctor had slept in his bed and not passed out on the couch, and it was thanks to the wonderful man next to him. He gave himself a minute before entering the world of the living, just reveling in the memory of last night. He couldn’t believe it had all been real, but his pleasantly sore body was proof enough.

Stretching lazily, Cas opened his eyes at last. The sun was already high up in the sky, but the glowing numbers on his alarm told him he still had plenty of time before he needed to be at work. He had estimated that it would be a long night with the concert and being out with friends, so he had made sure to get a later shift. What he hadn’t anticipated was how long this night had actually turned out to be and the reason for it.

Smiling again, Cas thought about calling in sick. He could spend the day with Dean, if the man was able to take a day off in his busy tour schedule. But he had told Cas that they’d planned to stay a few days, so why not ask him? They could spend the day in bed, talk some more … have more mind blowing sex. Especially the last part, and why not start the first round of the day right away? Chuckling happily, Cas finally turned around, reaching for Dean to wake him up in the best way possible …

… only to find the bed empty.

Dean was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Bon Jovi, “Bed of Roses”  
> Also, this was my first attempt at smut, hope it was okay :)


	7. Interlude II: Oh No There Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked

**Interlude II: Oh No There Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked**

The evening at the hospital was dragging out endlessly and Meg already berated herself for not taking a later shift as Clarence had done. Speaking of her friend, Meg checked her phone for the time. Yep, Clarence should be here by now and the surgeon wanted all the details about his little chat with Dean. She didn’t buy their show of saying goodbye last night, not even one bit of it, and Meg wanted to know if they’d talked since then.

Making sure she had time for a breather and wasn’t needed, Meg made her way over to the break room to check for her friend there first. What she found was highly unexpected.

“Hannah? What are you doing here, isn’t it your night off?”

The petite brunette was stirring her herbal tea, giving Meg a sweet smile. If there was a human being on the planet she would have voted for to be the next Mother Teresa, it most likely would be Hannah, who was loved by everyone and always ready to help. Such a sweet soul.

“Yes, it actually was,” the pediatrician replied now, gently blowing on her tea to make it cooler. “But Castiel called me a few hours ago and asked me to switch. He sounded so riled up I couldn’t say no.”

Now that made Meg’s head perk up. Before she could ask, however, Anna appeared next to her. “Riled up? How so?”

Smiling sadly, Hannah shook her head, “I don’t actually know. I asked if everything was alright, but he sounded evasive, so I didn’t want to pry. I promised to take over for him tonight and he sounded so relieved.” Taking a sip of her tea, she gave the two friends a second to take it all in before continuing. “Didn’t you go to that concert last night? Did something happen there?”

“Why would you ask that?” Meg tried to keep the defensive tone out of her voice, but she could feel Anna go rigid right next to her as well. What conclusion could people possibly draw from all the media hype around Clarence being Dean Winchester’s best friend? Would anybody suspect the real story behind it? Hannah was not a mean person by any stretch, but Meg wouldn’t want anybody to know a secret that could potentially hurt her friend.

Of course, she had no reason to believe any malice from the sweet pediatrician in front of her. Hannah just shook her head, curling her fingers around the tea mug as if to keep them warm. “Well, his voice sounded a bit rough. I mean, rougher than usual. As if he’d gotten a cold or …”

“Or what?”

“Or maybe as if he’d been crying for hours.”

“Who’s been crying for hours?”

Someone, please give her a knife and a good lawyer that would plead her not guilty for doing humankind a favor by stabbing Michael right now.

“No one,” Anna already tried to defuse the situation, but apparently, Meg wasn’t the only one with knowledge of the Pediatrician’ schedule.

“Hannah, shouldn’t you be at home?”

“She’s covering for Castiel,” a new voice threw in and Meg was actually startled to see Becky sitting at one of the tables in the corner. Had she been there the whole time? Had she listened in?

“Who’s covering for Castiel?” April asked, strolling into the break room, followed directly by Bart. “For Cassie? Why would he need someone to cover for him?”

As Hannah repeated her story Meg could do nothing more than to let her head fall against her fist, closing her eyes. Wasn’t it her that had once said that this here wasn’t _Grey’s Anatomy_ or _Dr. Sexy, M.D._?

_Well, looks like I stand corrected. Although, this might be even worse. This feels more like a poorly written trash novel …_

While Meg was trying to hide from the Twilight-like script her life had become – and how come she wasn’t the main character here, but only the supportive best friend? – people all around her started to talk over each other, speculating as to why Castiel would take the night after the concert off. Dean’s name was mentioned more than once, as well as the fact that the superstar hadn’t been seen all day either. Now that was news Meg found quite interesting. There was even the idea there that the two had met up to talk about old times. Before they could reach seriously dangerous territory here, Meg raised her voice to speak up over the chatter.

“Okay, everybody calm down and shut the fuck up.”

Maybe Dean was right and she was a she-devil. As it seemed, she was intimidating enough that people listened to her right away.

“First off: Hannah, Dear, thanks for letting us know. I guess your shift starts soon?”

Giving her a thankful smile, Hannah nodded and left right away, the entire ruckus way too much than she liked to handle.

“Now, where were we? Oh right: the question why Clarence isn’t here. The answer is simple: we have no freaking clue, so stop gossiping like teenage girls and get a life, Jesus Christ.”

“What, so you aren’t interested in knowing? I mean, there was a bet going on there after all.” _When the heck did Ruby appear?_

“Yeah, and we can already rule out two of the possible options, isn’t that right, Bart and April?” Sending both nurses a self-satisfied smile, Meg made sure to wait until they caved and nodded, reluctantly pulling out their wallets to hand over their money.

“Not so fast.” Before Meg could react, Michael had snatched the dollars up, sending his colleague a triumphant smirk. “I believe those are mine.”

Glaring back, Meg couldn’t help herself. This slimy bastard was getting on her nerves. “We don’t actually know that, douchebag. Clarence might as well have had some guy over, who knows.”

“Ohhh, maybe that’s the reason he asked Hannah to switch shifts,” Becky threw in, sounding as if Christmas had come early. That chick seriously needed to get a life.

But she wasn’t that wrong, if Meg wasn’t completely mistaken. “There, you hear it. We have reason to believe.”

“Very funny.” Michael sounded so disparaging, as if Clarence having a guy over was the craziest thing in the world, that Meg had a hard time not punching his lights out. “Remember, it’s Castiel the Virgin Princess we’re talking about here.”

Meg had no idea she’d actually moved until she felt Anna’s hands grip her tightly, holding the surgeon away from her colleague. Who the hell did this asshole think he was? The Lord himself?

Becky’s excited voice cut across the staring battle the two surgeons had going on. “We should pay him a visit in the morning after our shifts and check on him.”

“No!” Anna and Meg echoed as one, but only Anna went on. “No one’s going to check on Castiel, for God’s sake. You’re going to give him space.” While saying that, she still made damn sure not to give Meg any space to throw a punch. “He’ll be here for his shift tomorrow night and then we can ask him. Until then,” Meg could hear her voice shift, talking directly to the asshole in front of them. “Michael, you can keep the money, but Meg will only pay once Castiel confirms he was alone. And if he tells us that he had company, you’ll hand over the money plus your share, understood?”

Wow, so Anna had gotten wind of the bet and its details? How come Meg still had her head?

Michael threw the redhead a heated glance before nodding once. “Fine. But if we’re right and Dean Winchester paid his old buddy a visit, it won’t count.”

Meg’s heart stopped for a second. No, there was no way Michael could have figured it out, right? A malicious smile distorted the man’s face and his next words gave Meg relief rather than anger. “Unless of course he can prove that he got a straight dude to actually fuck him.”

Bart joined in on the laughter and together they left, seemingly having bonded over rejection from the same guy. The room emptied quickly until only Anna and Meg were left, the nurse still holding her friend by her arms.

“What the hell were you thinking making a bet like that?”

_Here we go._

“It didn’t exactly go as planned.”

“Oh, so you had a plan?”

“Yes, Anna, I did,” Meg spat out, turning on the nurse. “At least now Bart and April will leave him alone. Because that was part of the deal as well: that they would lay off him.”

Anna’s eyes went wide for a second. “Was that why they acted like …,” she asked, waving her hand in a vague gesture until Meg nodded.

“It wasn’t ideal, and I’m sorry it almost ruined the concert for Clarence. But now we have two problems less.”

“And you’ll lose Three Hundred bucks.”

“Well, you never know.”

“Meg.”

“What? Maybe Becky was right. Maybe he called because he’s too busy screwing Losechester or getting screwed by him, or whatever.”

“Meg!”

“And maybe he sounded rattled for an entirely different reason and –”

“Meg, would you please stop!”

There was a slight pause as Anna glared at her friend, daring her to continue. The surgeon finally sighed, signaling defeat.

“Well, as I said: It wasn’t what I’d planned. The douchebag just jumped in, taking the bet a step further and I couldn’t say no or else the bet would have been off with no way to stop Bart and April. I don’t care though.”

And they both knew she meant it. Three Hundred dollars was nothing compared to helping Castiel get rid of his unwelcomed suitors.

“I mean,” Meg added, almost as an afterthought. “It’s not even like I’ll be able to prove it, even if …”

“You think Dean would do that to Castiel?” Anna’s voice sounded so small, as if different feelings were warring inside of her. “Keeping Castiel a secret, if …”

“I think right now that’s too big an If to really think about it.”

Anna nodded to that, not able to disagree. Both women dwelled on their thoughts for a few seconds, before the nurse voiced the actual topic of their concern which they’d both been carefully avoiding so far.

“You think they actually met?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hannah said he might have been crying …”

They shared a meaningful look, both full of concern for their friend and brother.

“Who knows why he sounded like that.”

“Meg, do you think … you think we should check on him?”

“No. Let’s … let’s give him the time off he wanted. If he’s not here for his next shift, we’ll check on him once we get off the next time.”

Anna nodded, contemplating that option. “When would that be for you?”

“I have the night shift tomorrow as well, so Wednesday morning.”

“Same.”

“Good. So we give him space until Wednesday morning. If he doesn’t show up, we’ll call. If he doesn’t answer –”

“He won’t answer, you know him.”

“I do, I was just saying. If he doesn’t answer, we’ll check on him after we both get off. Sounds good?”

“No,” Anna replied, always the concerned sister. Meg couldn’t blame her. The last time Dean had left Clarence’s life, the man had been a mess for months and even years to come. With a deep sigh, the nurse continued. “But I guess it’s the best we have. I’ll admit though, it will be hard not to cave and check on him, especially once I’m home tomorrow.”

“I know, you think I like this?”

There was so much left unsaid, but the two friends knew that each shared the concerns of the other nonetheless. It was as if neither of them wanted to voice them though, for fear of making them come true. So they stood in silence for a few more seconds until Meg was called in for an emergency surgery. They parted, both promising each other once more to give Castiel enough space to sort out whatever had kept him from work that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Cage the Elephant, “Ain’t no rest for the wicked”


	8. Chapter Five: Cause All Of Me …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the right setting, I suggest listening to either John Legend, “[All of me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iYUQW6RovY)” (really love this version), or to Ed Sheeran, “[Photograph](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkWPMaCd0aY)”  
> Listen to them for this and the next chapter ;)

**Chapter Five: Cause All Of Me …**

Dean had never needed much sleep. All he usually needed was his four hours, maybe five after a concert. So when he woke in the very early afternoon, he was a bit surprised. He guessed they’d fallen asleep somewhere between five and six in the morning, which meant this right here was probably the longest sleep Dean had had in a while. He gave the blue eyed angel next to him credit for that.

Seeing the man sprawled on his stomach next to the singer, arms under his pillow as if he was hugging it, sent a warm feeling through Dean’s body. This had always been Cas’ favorite position when he felt the most relaxed and comfortable. If he was stressed, he tended to curl up into a ball overnight, as if to make himself smaller, hiding more easily from his problems. Seeing his angel relaxed like this made Dean positively thrilled. Nevertheless, his stomach soon made itself known. Right, he hadn’t eaten anything after the concert. And if Cas wanted to continue what they’d started last night, he certainly needed some bacon first.

If he was quick, maybe he’d be able to surprise his lover with breakfast in bed.

That thought in mind, he carefully leaned over and pressed a kiss to Cas’ shoulder, before slipping out of bed. He had no desire to get dressed at all, but no way would he cook bacon in his birthday suit. Putting on his boxer shorts, he let his gaze wander around the room. Now in the light of day, he could see that almost nothing had changed in here. It was as if merely ten days had past instead of ten years. The queen-sized bed with Cas’ favorite hunter-green bedspread, bed-side tables left and right; a plush armchair and the footstool under the window, meant for lounging and reading, but mostly used for clothes; a walk-in closet next to the door to the master bathroom. Even the stacks of books in the corner were still standing where Dean had last seen them. Well, at least in the general direction. It all held a touch of familiarity, but with a heavy heart, Dean was also reminded that Cas had coped with his departure by becoming a workaholic. Leaning down once more, he gently let his fingers glide through his angel’s unruly hair, leaving a kiss on his neck that held a promise. A promise to not let it go this far again for either of them.

Not feeling comfortable enough to rummage around Cas’ closet, Dean picked up a pair of blue sweatpants lying on top of the armchair and decided that they’d do. They hung a bit low on his hips, since he was a few inches taller than Cas, but they worked. Satisfied, he gave his sleeping angel one more fond look before leaving the room.

Not much had changed in the kitchen either. There were a few more and newer appliances, but other than that, everything was still in the same place, so Dean had no trouble at all finding his way around. Even his old mug with the printed impalas was there, making the singer huff a surprised laugh as he got it down. He also picked up Cas’ favorite mug, letting his thumb glide over the raised reliefs that were colored like bees, flying all around the mug’s light blue, smooth surface. It had been a present from Dean for his twelfth birthday.

Whistling happily, Dean got the coffee started before checking the fridge to see what he had to work with. Pulling out bacon, eggs, milk and everything else that he would need, the singer got started on their breakfast.

Halfway through, Gabriel joined him, following him with wide, curious eyes.

“Heya, Gabe. Not used to someone cooking in this kitchen?” Chuckling at his own joke, Dean reminded himself to ask Cas later on if he still mostly lived on takeout and oven-ready meals. Giving in to Gabe’s begging, he let a piece of bacon fall to the floor. “Don’t get used to this, buddy. Just trying to get on your good side, you know? Cause hopefully I’ll be spending a lot more time here.”

Gabriel, unimpressed by his words, devoured the uncooked bacon in seconds, already begging for more. Dean didn’t give in again, not wanting to mess with any potential diet Cas had for his furry friend.

He was almost done with breakfast, just putting the last pancake on the plate, when the third step on the stair case creaked. Looking up, he saw Cas standing there, hand on the wall that separated kitchen and stairs, a bewildered look on his face. Dean couldn’t help but smile at how adorable his lover still looked when he’d just woken up.

“Aww, Angel, couldn’t you have slept five more minutes? You ruined my surprise,” Dean whined playfully, putting on a pout for good measure. When Cas’ expression didn’t change, the singer straightened up, putting the frying pan down. “Angel?”

“You’re here.”

It was almost a whisper, uncertainty clearly detectable.

“Of course, what …?”

“You’re still here.”

The trembling in Cas’ voice twisted Dean’s stomach. In just a few long strides, he was standing right in front of him, hands on both sides of Cas’ face, cradling it carefully.

“Angel, of course I’m still here. I thought it was clear that I was serious about us.”

“I know, I just … when I woke up … and you were gone … I just …”

Pulling Cas to his chest, Dean wound his arms around the man, one hand in his hair, the other on his back, pulling him as close as he could. Cas hesitated for only a second before clinging to the singer, his arms wound under Dean’s, hands digging into his shoulder blades.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Angel, I didn’t think … I wasn’t thinking leaving you alone up there, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Cas whispered, not letting go of him even a single inch. They stood like this for a long moment, his lover seemingly just breathing in Dean’s scent, nuzzling at his chest and neck now and then. Dean rubbed up and down Cas’ back, soothing his angel as best as he could.

“I love you,” Dean whispered into Cas’ hair after a while and it seemed to finally reassure Cas enough to let go of his death grip on the man.

Giving him one of his soul-searching stares, his angel leaned in to give him a peck on his lips. “I love you, too.”

They pulled close once more, until Cas’ rumbling stomach made itself known.

Laughing, Dean got the tray with their huge breakfast and followed Cas back upstairs. Neither of them cared that it was served cold.

~*~*~*~

“That guy at the concert. The one that hugged you during our song … Who was he?”

Dean’s voice was calm, soothing, almost whispering. They were idling in bed, Cas with his back against Dean’s chest, both just enjoying the warmth of the other. The sun was slowly setting, just now reaching the point where it shone right through the trees and into the open window. The sunny flecks danced across their hands, Cas lazily trying to chase them over Dean’s skin, just happy to touch every part of the singer’s hands and forearms.

The question had been the first time either of them had talked in a while. After breakfast in bed (well, lunch, really, but who cares) they’d taken a shower together, using up all the warm water while remapping every inch of the other’s body with hands and lips. Right before their next round in bed, Cas had asked Dean to stay for a day or two more and his lover had no objections at all. Perhaps he should have waited until his sex-roughened voice had recovered before calling his colleagues. He might have saved Hannah from believing he really needed to switch shifts because of something terrible going on. Oh well, he would make it up to her somehow. Garth on the other hand seemed not to have noticed anything, being more than okay to jump in for Cas’ shift the next night. Since Wednesday was his day off, he wouldn’t be expected back at the hospital until Thursday morning.

Not enough time at all to spend with his Dean, but he would take every second he could get. Even if it meant talking about things he didn’t want to think about.

“His name is Bartholomew and he’s a nurse at the hospital. He …” Castiel had no idea how to explain this without it sounding weird.

His pause seemed to give Dean wrong ideas. “You and he, you’re not –”

“No,” Cas jumped in right away, stopping his wandering fingers and gripping Dean’s hand instead. “No, there’s nothing between us. He tried. A lot, actually. But … no.”

“And … besides him?”

Cas pulled in a long breath before shifting just enough so he could wind his arms around the singer’s torso. As he rested his head on Dean’s chest, the singer’s hand started wandering all over his back and into his hair. Cas closed his eyes for a second, just enjoying the sparks Dean’s fingertips sent through his body. With a final kiss against Dean’s collarbone, he sat up so he was leaning against the headboard, right next to his lover. Interlacing their fingers, he started talking.

“Not really. There was this one guy. Michael. But …” This shouldn’t be so hard to explain. Michael had never meant anything to him and Dean hadn’t been exactly celibate, so he really shouldn’t feel weird talking about it.

“Didn’t work out?” Dean tried to help.

Looking up, Cas almost got lost in the deep green gaze. The light was just right to have all the different nuances in this beautiful green shine brightly. “There wasn’t anything to work with in the first place. He meant nothing more to me than quick release. And even that was … well, nothing to write home about. Probably because I never let it go further than a couple of hand jobs.”

At that, Dean raised one eyebrow in question.

“What?”

“You telling me you didn’t have sex in over ten years?”

“I had sex last night.” That pulled a smile from both of them and their gazes wandered to their joined hands. Cas became serious. “I … I just couldn’t.” He felt the singer’s eyes on him again but kept his eyes down. “I know we weren’t together anymore. It still felt wrong. I don’t know how to explain it any better, it just …”

“No, I get it.”

That made Cas look up, only now the singer’s eyes were averted again, staring into the distance.

“Charlie. She … she often tried to, ehm, to help me be myself?” It was obvious Dean had just as many problems finding the right words as Cas had before. The doctor didn’t interrupt, giving Dean all the time he needed. “Told me we could handle me coming out. But. I don’t know, I always told her that there was no reason for it.”

Letting his head roll back to face Cas, their gazes held each other once more.

“There was just no guy I wanted to be with after you.”

Dean’s gaze was so open, so pleading, Cas knew exactly what he was asking for. Just like his lover had known his desire the night before. Leaning forward, he kissed the man, sweet, soft, slowly pressing him down into the sheets as he reached for the lube.

There was no talking for quite a while, just panting and confessions of love.

~*~*~*~

The next time either of them really talked was in the kitchen. Dean was preparing dinner, Cas taking care of Gabriel who was grumpy for being shut out of the bedroom all day. As soon as the cat seemed satisfied with his dish and paying no more attention to his servant, the doctor came over, snuggling close to Dean.

“I can’t actually believe there was a time in our relationship that we didn’t fuck like rabbits.”

Snorting, Dean put down the spatula, letting the pancakes fry in the pan – and yes, pancakes were a perfectly fine dinner. Turning around, Dean hugged his angel close. “Me neither. Guess it was just one of the many things that led to you kicking me out.”

At his words, he felt Cas gripping more tightly, making him feel like an ass right away. “I’m sorry, Angel. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. You didn’t just kick me out; I left and never looked back. So, I’m part of that breakup as well.”

His lover snuggled even closer, starting to kiss along Dean’s neck and drawing deep moans from him.

“Let’s make a vow then.” Fuck, he loved this sexed up rough voice of his angel. “Let’s promise to never let it get that far again.”

Pulling his angel away from his neck, Dean held softly on to his chin as he looked into his eyes. “I promise.”

The kiss that followed was sweet, both still too drained from their previous activities. Right now, cuddling in the kitchen was more than enough. Not even the smell of burned pancakes could dampen their blissed out mood.

~*~

Later that night, Charlie called and Dean sheepishly apologized for not calling her as he’d promised.

“You’ll be forgiven if you can give me a good reason for forgetting me,” she chirped, not sounding mad at all.

“Does mind blowing sex count?”

“Most definitely,” Charlie replied mirthfully, before switching back to being his manager. “So, where exactly does that leave you?”

Looking over to where Cas was cuddling with Gabriel, Dean heaved a sigh. He knew exactly where he wanted this to go, but he’d be damned if he made the decision without Cas.

“We haven’t actually talked about that yet. Just that … well, just that we’re both serious about each other. Could you … I don’t know. Give me a bit more time? I don’t want to rush this. I need to talk to Cas about it all before I make a decision.”

“I can try to give you another 24 hours, Dean, but social media is exploding as it is. You’re back in your home town where by your own admission your ‘mysterious’ first love lived and probably still lives, as far as they can speculate. And then you just disappear right after the concert, after being seen with so many people from your past. Look, I tried to hide your absence, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Castiel’s name is out there, but so far I couldn’t find any theories beyond you bonding with your old buddy. It might just happen that paparazzi will show up at Cas’ house.”

“Would the prospect of a press conference calm them down?”

“Probably, but you don’t want to be rushed.”

Sighing again, Dean gripped his neck, staring out of the window to the front lawn. It was empty, no news truck. Yet.

“Set one up for Wednesday. That will give us enough time to decide what we wanna tell them.”

“You sure?”

Looking at Cas again, he caught his angel smiling at him, Gabe still cuddled close. There was no doubt about his feelings at all.

“Yes.”

“Okay then. Talk to Castiel, make a decision you both can live with. I’ll come by tomorrow afternoon and we’ll talk about what you’ve decided and the next steps to take.”

“Alright. Lemme give you the address.”

“Bitch, please.”

Yeah, right, she’d probably googled Cas. Or hacked Dean’s phone. Either way, she knew exactly where the singer was.

”Well then, guess I see you tomorrow.” He was about to hang up when a sudden inspiration made him stop. “Oh, wait. Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you maybe bring my guitar?”

“Sure, makes sneaking over so much easier.” She actually sounded a tiny bit annoyed about that and since his friend was hardly ever annoyed by anything, it made Dean feel even more guilty.

“I’m sorry, really. Especially for making your job harder than it already is.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” If he wasn’t mistaken, the annoyed undertone in her voice was gone already. “Don’t worry about me, though. That’s what I’m here for. Just, please don’t be seen with Cas, okay? That would make it so much easier for now.”

“Yeah, I don’t think we were planning on leaving the house.” Dean really tried, but he couldn’t keep the grin off of his face and the suggestive tone out of his voice.

“Good for you. Now get back to your man and talk about it. Oh, and Dean? Make sure you at least wear sweatpants. Don’t need to see your sorry ass again.”

“Hey, I have a great ass.”

“Whatever, peace out bitch.”

Before Dean could reply to that, the line went dead. Shaking his head, he turned around, only to find Cas watching him with an amused smile playing around his gorgeous lips. Gabe was nowhere to be seen.

“What?”

“I can confirm that.”

“Confirm what?”

Sauntering over towards him, his angel’s hands grabbed Dean’s ass, giving both cheeks a tight squeeze. “You indeed have a great ass.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dean grinned lewdly, grinding his pelvis against Cas’, bringing their lips closer together, but not as close as Cas wanted them to be.

“Yes, and it’s mine,” Cas replied, squeezing his ass once more, pulling the singer even closer until their lips met roughly.

They didn’t make it to the bedroom this time.

~*~*~*~

Tuesday started the way Cas had planned to begin the previous morning, only it was Dean that woke him with a blowjob, not the other way around. Cas reciprocated during their shower before the singer made them a hearty brunch. They opted to eat this one at the kitchen counter, pushing the bar stools close together. While feeding each other, Dean brought up the topic they’d pushed out of their heads so far.

“Dean, I never once wanted to push you out of the closet, you know that.”

“Yes, I know, but that’s not an option anymore. I mean unless of course you decide that this –”

“Oh, shut up, you assbutt. Of course I want to continue this. … What?” Cas asked when he saw the bemused smile on Dean’s face.

“Assbutt?”

Poking his lover in his side – oh yes, Dean was still just as ticklish there as he had been ten years ago and Cas was simply thrilled about it – he let Dean grab his hands and avert the attack with a quick kiss.

“Sorry, but that’s just really cute.”

“Continue annoying me, Winchester, and I’ll show you just how _cute_ I can be,” he growled, nipping at Dean’s neck a bit harder than necessary.

His lover had the audacity to chuckle. “Why does that sound like a promise I want to take you up on?”

Another poke in his side had Dean squealing – which, of course, he denied – but again he appeased Cas with a deep kiss and the doctor let him.

“Could we be serious for just a second now, please?”

“Of course,” Dean relented, resting his forehead against Cas’ for just a second, before giving him one more peck on the lips and sitting up straight again. He kept Cas’ hand in his this time.

“Okay, so, let’s sum this up. We both want this, right?”

When Cas nodded, Dean lifted their hands to his lips, turning them just so that he could kiss Castiel’s palm before continuing.

“So, it’s decided. I’ll come out as bi, screw the fallout.”

“And what if we were to keep it a secret?”

Clearly taken aback, Dean studied Cas’ face, letting his eyes quickly roam over it.

“Is … is that what you want?”

“No.”

“Then why –”

“Because I’m offering you this option.”

“Me??”

“Of course. Dean, I know you were never comfortable with the thought of coming out, even back when only a few people knew you. But now? The world knows you and you have built up this image and –”

“That wasn’t me.”

“What?”

“That … okay, that’s a longer discussion, but to sum it up: I never wanted this image; it was my manager – the one before Charlie – that wanted me to look like I had one woman after another.”

The information silenced the doctor for a moment before he shook his head to clear it. “Okay, definitely something I would like to know more about, but for right now, my point is: You’re a public figure and I would fully understand if you’d want to keep this hidden. I mean, all I’d ask of you would be that you’d try not to look like you sleep with every woman that crosses your path, but other than that I’d –”

Cas knew he was rambling, but it was brought to a halt when Dean gently cupped his face, tilting his head back up. He hadn’t even realized that his eyes had wandered towards his lap, too shy to look Dean in the eyes. Now, they captured and demanded his full attention.

“Cas, I would _never_ do that to you. _Ever_. We didn’t exactly hide our relationship all those years back, right?”

Drawing his eyebrows together, Cas gave Dean a questioning look. The singer was quick to amend his statement.

“I mean, yes, I know we didn’t display it in the open, and for that, I’m eternally sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stroll around Monterey with you, holding your hand and kissing you every few steps as you deserved.”

His voice held so much pain and self-hatred that Cas heart ached for him. Yet, he didn’t move, feeling that the singer had more to say.

“But I swear I never denied it or lied about it when asked outright.”

“I know,” Castiel was quick to reassure him. It wasn’t exactly Dean’s fault the citizens of Monterey had been kind of blind when it came to the two of them.

“And trust me when I say that it hurt so much every time people just assume that my ‘mysterious’ first love was a woman.”

Cas knew Dean was talking about the years of not correcting reporters and talk show hosts when they used female pronouns for his first love. It had hurt the first few times he had seen interviews like that, but at some point, rationality had helped him.

“I was scared. Scared about what would happen, what my manager would do, my fans, the media. I know there’s no excuse –”

“You don’t need an excuse,” he interrupted the singer, meaning every word of it. “It hurt in the beginning, yes.” Gripping Dean’s hand harder, he didn’t let the singer flinch away, trying to reassure him as best he could. “But I always knew why you did it. And maybe, somehow, it made it all easier for me. Not having to see you with other men …”

They were both quiet for a moment, before Cas brought them back to their original topic.

“So, you’re saying you’re not scared anymore about coming out?”

“I’m scared as hell. But not about the reactions in general. I’m scared because I’ll reveal a huge part of who I am, you know? I’ve kept this private for so long. But don’t think for even a second that it’s because of you or that I’m ashamed to be with you. That couldn’t be further from the truth.” Softly, he touched Cas’ chin, making sure their eyes met before continuing. “I love you and I’m so, so proud of you. And goddamnit do I want to show the world the sexy man I’m in love with.” Smiling at this, they shared a long kiss before Dean went on with his little speech. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the man you deserved ten years ago. But I hope I am now. I don’t ever want to do this to you ever again. And half-truths aren’t an option for me anymore. Not only because it wouldn’t be fair to you, but also because there’s no in between, not once your life is spread out over the tabloids. So, Angel, the only reason for me not to step in front of the media and proclaim my love for you would be that you didn’t want me to. Because I would understand if that would be too much for you, suddenly being pushed into the public like that.”

Dean’s words rang true and Cas took his time to consider before he answered.

“I don’t want to hide this either. I’m so proud of you for finally wanting to come out and I would never ask you to not do it for my sake. I know you’d do it and for that I love you even more. But,” his eyes searched Dean’s gaze for a moment before continuing, “I want this, Dean. I want you, all of you. And if that means that the public will know, so be it. Although, I think I’d feel safer if you’d tell me what exactly it is that I’ve to expect.”

“I will,” Dean promised, kissing Cas once more. “Charlie and I both will. I can’t promise you that it will all be rainbows and unicorns, but I can promise you this: no matter what will happen, we’ll pull through it. Together.”

“That’s all I need to know.”

~*~*~*~

When Charlie called to let them know she was on her way, Dean was cuddled up on the couch with his angel, both just enjoying their time together. Cas was lying back against Dean’s chest, Gabe curled up in his lap. The singer knew there was so much more they probably should talk about, but for now, just holding his angel in his arms again was enough.

As he’d expected, his redheaded friend was thrilled to hear they’d decided to try again and that Dean would finally talk openly about his sexuality.

Yet, even though thrilled, Charlie was still professional enough to ask the singer if he was aware of the consequences this step might have. Dean nodded, his whole demeanor showing how serious he was. “I guess there’ll be hate and I’ll probably lose some fans, but I don’t care.” He took Cas’ hand, looking directly at him as he said his next words. “If they’re truly my fans, they’ll stick with me.”

It took Cas a second, but when his smile almost split his face, Dean knew he remembered.

_“If they’re truly your friends, they’ll stick with you.”_

That’s what his angel had told him all these years ago when he first came out to him.

Focusing back on Charlie, they went over all the things Cas might have to expect, but they both made it clear that they would do anything in their power to keep him safe from crazy fangirls and intrusive paparazzi.

The sun was already setting when Charlie finally left them, leaving Dean’s favorite guitar behind. That night they fell asleep blissed out and tangled together, finally reassured that this right here had a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from John Legend, “All of me”


	9. Chapter Six: … Loves All Of You

**Chapter Six: … Loves All Of You**

The next morning Cas woke to Dean strumming aimlessly on his guitar. He listened for a while, trying to figure out the song his lover was playing, but he couldn’t pick it out. A short time later the beautiful melody stopped and he felt fingers gently carding through his hair.

“Sorry, Angel, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Opening his eyes, Cas peeked up at his lover, giving him a lazy smile. “It’s alright. What song was that? I didn’t recognize it.”

“Good. Would be bad if you did.” His frowny face made Dean laugh and he had to refrain from poking the singer in his side. That would require moving and Cas did not feel like it at all. The lighting in the room told him that it was very early morning and while Dean had never needed much sleep, the doctor wouldn’t mind a few more hours or at least minutes. Thankfully, Dean seemed to have understood his question despite laughing at him. “It’s a new song that came to me while watching you sleep.”

Instantly, a smile spread over Cas’ face. He couldn’t help himself. Dean had written so many songs for him or about him or about them, even before becoming famous. But somehow, this right here meant so much more to Cas than everything else.

Moving after all, he snuggled closer to Dean, kissed his soft stomach before resting his head on the singer’s thigh – the one not supporting the guitar – and closed his eyes again. He felt Dean’s fingers for a moment longer, before they left his hair. Seconds later, the strumming started back up. The position must’ve been awkward for Dean, but he didn’t complain and Cas had no intention of letting go of him. Soon, the singer started to hum along with the melody and if he knew anything about this man at all, then that right now words were flying around his head, slowly starting to become Purgatory’s next song.

He must have fallen back asleep at some point, because the next time he opened his eyes, the guitar was sitting next to the bed, Dean’s fingers once more in his dark and unruly locks. Nuzzling at Dean’s thigh, Cas slowly lifted his head just enough to pull the thin bedspread away that was covering his lover’s legs up to his hips. Just a slight turn of his head was enough and he could feel his lover’s hands still for a moment as he nuzzled against his crotch.

Dean wasn’t fully hard yet, but Cas was confident he could change that in just a few seconds. Rolling over while pushing the singer’s legs apart, he lay down between them. Taking the rapidly filling cock in his mouth, he was able to pull the sweetest sounds from the man above him. The hands in his hair grabbed tighter. His own erection started to grow, but for now he ignored it and took his sweet time taking his man apart.

Every time the singer was close, begging him not to stop, Cas did just that. It drove them both wild, but he enjoyed Dean’s pleading way too much to rush this to an end. Once he’d lost count on how many times he’d stopped his lover from tumbling over the brink, he finally showed mercy, taking Dean’s cock in as deep as he could and swallowing around it. The singer’s roar was sweet music to Castiel’s ears as he drank all of his release, carefully making sure his tongue caught what he was unable to swallow.

Kissing every inch of skin on his way back up, Cas was finally met with soft, yet almost unresponsive lips. Dean’s eyes were closed, the singer still catching his breath. Chuckling, Cas lay down next to him, partly covering his lover’s body but making sure not to crush him. His own cock was painfully hard, but he didn’t care.

“Food,” Dean whined after a while, making Cas grin fondly. He nipped at his lover’s neck before starting to kiss him fully awake with butterfly kisses to his neck, his jaw, his chin, his eyes and nose. When he met his lips this time, they were much more responsive than before.

Dean’s hands sneaked around his torso, pulling him closer, making his own rock hard erection brush against the singer’s hip. Moaning softly into the kiss, he pressed in a bit harder, savoring the friction. It wasn’t long until Dean rolled them over, sliding down his partner’s body. Cas was sure the singer had planned to tease him just as much, but he was already so close that a long lick from the root to the head was enough to make him come the moment his lover took his cock into his warm mouth.

He needed a few moments to catch his breath before looking at his alarm clock for the first time this morning. 8:27. Still plenty of time until they had to get ready for the press conference at noon.

“Shower or breakfast?”

The look Dean gave him was so hilarious Cas almost fell out of their bed laughing. He got up, stretched, and picked up the sweatpants that had been his attire for the past two days. Throwing Dean an alluring smile he made his way downstairs before his lover was even out of bed. Not for long though, as he could hear the singer quickly catching up to him, tugging him close and nibbling at his earlobe.

“Hey, I’m not food.”

“True. You taste way better.”

Somehow, they made their way down the stairs, tangled together as they were. While Dean started on their breakfast, Cas made sure Gabe had enough nourishment to keep him satisfied … well, maybe not satisfied, otherwise Gabriel would be a fluffy ball in no time, but at least to save him from starvation.

When he was done, Cas looked up and just enjoyed the view. Dean was wearing the dark blue sweatpants again that hung sinfully low on his hips, but other than that there was still enough naked skin for Cas to enjoy.

“You staring at my ass, Angel?”

Hearing the old endearment rolling off of Dean’s tongue so easily really did things to Cas. Ten years and it was as if nothing had changed. Only for the better.

“Actually, I’m staring at you, period,” he admitted after a few heartbeats, giving Dean a lazy grin which was returned in kind, before his lover turned back to the stove to make sure the breakfast didn’t burn. Cas closed the few steps between them and wound his arms around the man’s waist and stomach. He caressed the little pudge there until Dean made a disapproving noise and tried to get away. But the doctor would have none of that. He stopped the caress and hugged the singer close from behind instead, resting his cheek against Dean’s shoulder blades.

“I’ve missed this,” Dean admitted into the quiet room. “Not just since our break up, but before that as well.”

“ _Where has our love gone?_ ” The quote from their song seemed best to sum it all up.

After a few moments, Dean turned around in Cas’ arms, resting his own over Cas’ shoulders. “I don’t ever want to have to ask that question again.”

“Me neither.”

“I don’t care what it takes, Angel, but I want this to work. Not because of the media or because I’m going to come out for us or any of that. I love you and I don’t ever want to have to go through a time without you ever again. I know there will be times where we won’t see each other in person, but we’ve already made it work once. I refuse to believe we can’t make it work now.”

“I’m one hundred percent on board. I love you, too, Dean, and I want you. I want you any way I can have you. You know I would have kept your secret if that was what you’d wanted. And now I’ll brave the spotlight I never wanted, but I’ll do it because I love you.”

Their kiss was sweet and long. At one point, Dean reached behind his back to switch off the stove and save the breakfast, before spinning them around and lifting Cas up on the counter. Cas wound his legs around the singer’s waist without a second thought, pulling his lover as close as he could. The kiss deepened and Cas’ hand was already on its way into Dean’s sweatpants …

… when a knock on the door startled them from their bubble.

They waited for a second, labored breaths mingling. When nothing happened, they fell back into the kiss. Dean’s hands were in the doctor’s hair and Cas knew that he messed it up even more. The man had long since mastered the art of “mussing up Cas’ hair to look like total after sex hair” and he secretly loved it. When one of Dean’s hands wandered to his ass to pull him closer, he let out a loud groan, and …

… a second, more insistent knock banged against the door. Castiel’s groan turned into one of frustration, his eyes flying open.

“Just ignore it, they’ll go away,” Dean begged, eyes still hooded, already nipping at the doctor’s neck again. Jesus, but he would need to wear a turtleneck to work the next few days. On the other hand, so would Dean – a fact that made Cas insanely giddy. He pulled at his lover’s hair to get his lips away from his neck, only to pull him into a deep and passionate kiss. He used his legs to get the man even closer and why the fuck were they still wearing these sweatpants? His hand wandered back to Dean’s perfect backside to push the sweatpants down …

“Holy shit!”

With that, many things seemed to happen at once. Because that voice had been neither his nor Dean’s. Their eyes flew open and Dean’s mirrored the same wide, panicked look as his probably did. Acting purely on instinct, Cas jumped off the counter (okay, most likely it looked more like a startled cat falling off the counter, sue him) while at the same instant pushing the singer behind his back to cover him. Chances were whoever had just entered his home hadn’t gotten a good view of his face (he, for one, would have been too distracted by the backside, that’s for sure) and hadn’t recognized him yet. He felt Dean’s breath against his spine, right between his shoulder blades. Which meant his lover got with the program and ducked his face behind Cas’ back. All in all, he seemed to try to make himself small, while Cas reached back behind himself as if to shield Dean from the intruder.

Which was …

… everyone, as it seemed.

“What the fuck? Guys!”

This was so not happening. Michael was there, alongside Bartholomew, both of them looking at him with a mixture of anger and confusion. Basically, both men looked like they’d just been punched in the face. April was there as well, a similar look on her face, only mixed with disappointment. Behind them were Meg and Anna, both trying not to laugh. Tessa, Becky, and Ruby still stood inside the door, but Cas had no time to read their faces.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“We were worried, you idiot,” Bart answered as if it was obvious. “You haven’t been to work in days and we couldn’t reach you.”

_Is this even for real?_

“And that’s a reason to break into my freaking house?!?”

“We didn’t break in, we used a key,” Becky threw in, completely unhelpful.

Still trying to hide Dean while standing half naked and only in gray, faded sweatpants in front of his co-workers (good thing the sudden shock had been like a bucket of ice water for his boner), he turned an exasperated look towards his friends. “Anna! Meg!”

“They found the spare key under the mat,” Meg hurried to assure they weren’t at fault, while Anna explained, “We tried to tell them you’d be okay, but they wouldn’t listen.”

“Please tell me you haven’t been ditching work, switching shifts – all for a quick roll in the sack.”

That had been Michael.

“Yeah, and who’s this guy? How come he got into your pants so easily?”

That had been Bartholomew.

And that combined was the final straw.

“What the actual fuck? Why do you care? This is none of your goddamn business, how often do I have to tell either of you? I took a couple of days off, yes, so what? And I did so to spend my free days naked and in bed with a hot guy, so what? If I want to do that, then I’ll fucking do it. And you know why? Because this is my goddamn house and no one’s allowed to fucking care but me!”

_Oh, this feels good. This feels amazing, finally letting it all out._

He could feel Dean’s warmth pressing even closer against him and it did wonders for his nerves, calming him down almost instantly. Taking a deep breath, he continued much more calmly, but still with emphasis, “Now, kindly leave my house. This is a private moment and I don’t need my colleagues staring at us while we’re half naked. Or my friends,” he added, looking at Anna and Meg. While Anna looked sheepish, Meg was absolutely bemused by now. When she spoke next, Cas found out the reason why.

“My, my, Clarence. Finally telling the douchebags off, good for you. But not denying that it was just a quick roll in the sack with a random guy that got into your pants? I had higher hopes after you ditched work for days on end.”

Was he in an episode of Twilight Zone? Was this really happening? The fact that he could hear a low chuckle behind him did not make it any better. This was all so absurd that Cas couldn’t help but huff a laugh himself. Slightly turning his head, he talked directly to Dean.

“Are you seriously laughing at this?”

“Well, she-devil isn’t wrong,” Dean answered, voice a low rumble. Combined with still being a bit rough from sleep (and their earlier activities), Cas could only hope no one would recognize his voice. But Dean wasn’t finished yet. “How come you didn’t tell them they’re wrong?”

Cas couldn’t stop the grin in his voice. “Is that seriously what you’re worried about right now?”

“Being just a quick fuck for you? Yes, actually, cause that would break my heart.” His voice held a hint of truth, but Cas knew his lover was mostly joking around right now, not caring at all about their company. And his face wasn’t as closely pressed to Cas’ back as it was before.

No matter how ridiculous this whole moment was, Cas was euphoric. Yes, they’d already set up a press conference. Yes, Dean had told him how sincere he was and yes, Cas believed him from the bottom of his heart. But this moment right here was like an unwelcome first test – and Dean had no problem with it at all. Try as he might, Cas couldn’t help the feelings of warmth and euphoria that blossomed in his chest. Dean really wanted to come out for them. No more secrets, no more half-truths, no more hiding. Dean didn’t care who saw them.

_Well fine then. They want the truth? Fine, I’ll give them the truth._

“Alright, you asked for this. I ditched work because I met my former boyfriend. We got to talk and realized: Our love is still very much alive. So we decided to try again and since then, we have spent the last two days fucking each other’s brains out. So, no, not a quick roll in the sack. More like a two-day long marathon of the most amazing sex. And we were just about to continue with day three had we not been so rudely interrupted.”

Maybe he should have been more careful with his phrasing. After all, they could very well sell this to the press later on. But for the moment, the shocked faces of his co-workers made it totally worth it. As did the quiet laughter behind his back. Two strong arms snuck around his waist to hug him from behind and when he turned his head, he was met with soft lips.

“Right back at you, Angel,” Dean whispered.

They were still kissing when Michael talked once more. “And does your ‘boyfriend’ know that you’re pathetically hung up on your best friend? A guy who’s not only straight but also famous and therefore absolutely out of your reach? Does he know that?”

A grin tugged at Dean’s lips, just before he pulled away from Cas’.

“Yeah, I kinda had my suspicions,” the singer’s rumbling voice replied as he rested his head on Cas’ shoulder, his face for everyone to see. “But thanks for confirming it.”

The reactions were instant. Becky seemed to hyperventilate, while Ruby’s and Tessa’s jaws dropped to the floor. April, Michael, and Bart’s eyes flew wide in shock, each of them trying to stammer out some words but failing miserably.

It was Anna that saved the day.

“Hey there, Casanova. Fancy meeting you here.”

“Really, Anna? You didn’t suspect it,” Dean answered and Cas didn’t even need to see his face to know he was grinning his wild and boyish grin.

“Well, rather hoped for it, actually.”

“Wait a second.” It seemed Michael had found his voice again, eyes flying maniacally between Anna and Dean before landing on Cas. “You?? You’re his first love?”

“Ding, ding, ding, ten points to you, douchebag,” Meg replied, clearly enjoying it all. “Guess now you guys understand why you were never good enough for Clarence.”

Rolling his eyes at that, Cas let out an annoyed huff. He felt Dean’s arms tighten slightly, but he was sure it was more out of reflex than actual concern that either of the men in front of them could steal Cas away.

“Now, you heard the man and more importantly: you can see he’s more than okay. So let’s go before they call the police on your sorry asses.”

“Yeah, I can see how okay he is,” Bart spit out, looking at Castiel as if he’d actually betrayed him. “Totally okay with being this guy’s dirty little secret or what?”

“If you’re so concerned, why don’t you check the news later on?” Dean replied before Castiel could even react. His cocky voice held a thinly veiled threat, a clear message for Bart to keep away from them. Leaning back into Dean, he tried to reassure his lover and soothe him. He had no reason to defend his territory.

Cas caught his friends’ stunned faces, silently asking him if Dean was honest about it. His smile must have been answer enough. Giving him a huge smile, Meg began to physically push Ruby and Becky out of the door, both women still too shocked to get a word out. “You heard it. No reason to worry for our Clarence.”

While April and Tessa decided to follow of their own accord, Anna had to pull at Michael’s and Bart’s arms, both men fuming.

Just as Anna was about to shut the door with a final smile, it was pushed back open and Meg’s head peaked back in. Her smile was that of a sweet devil. “Just to make sure: since when has Losechester been here with you?”

“Ehm?” What was his friend playing at? “He came by right after the concert, why?”

“Oh, nothing.” Her smile spread even wider, showing him clearly that it was not nothing. “You two have fun and don’t go too wild.” She closed the door with a slight bang and in the silence that followed, her voice could be heard even inside the house. “You heard it, douche, pay up!”

_What the heck?_

Absolutely bewildered, Cas let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in.

“Dean, I’m so sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” the singer replied easily, kissing Cas’ neck before pulling away to gather their by now cold food. “How does breakfast in bed sound?”

“Awesome,” Cas replied, still slightly absent. He took the cups with coffee Dean thrust into his hands and followed him and the tray of food upstairs. “Aren’t you worried they’ll tip off someone?”

“So what? Our press conference is in less than three hours. Besides,” Dean added, putting the tray down and pulling his sweatpants off before climbing back in bed. “I’m pretty sure she-devil will take care of it.”

With a laugh at that thought, Cas followed Dean into bed.

~*~

Breakfast quickly turned into another heavy make out session. Dean seemed to be intent on finishing their second round of the day that had started in the kitchen. They’d already been at it for a while when Dean started kissing down Cas’ torso. He couldn’t stop his moaning as Dean was nipping, licking, and kissing all the way down, down, down …

… with a loud bang, the bedroom door flew open.

Startled, Cas yelled and jerked up, kicking Dean in the stomach. The sudden movement and pain startled Dean so much he lost his balance, falling off the bed, taking all the bedding with him. Cas, realizing he was completely naked with a boner for the world to see, grabbed a pillow to cover himself up before finally turning towards the intruder. He seriously needed to hide that spare key better. And take the other spare keys from his friends, as it was none other than Balthazar standing in his doorway.

“What … what the actual FUCK?”

“No need to yell, Cassie-dear. Meg just told me and I simply had to see for myself. Good for you.”

_How is this my life?_

“Zar, I swear to God and all that is holy: I like you, but if you don’t get out of here this instant …”

“Alright, alright, don’t get your panties in a twist. I just wanted to check. Freckles?”

Dean’s head was peeking up from the floor on the other side of the bed, an amused grin on his face. How was it that the bastard was actually still smiling?

“Limey?”

There was a short staring contest between the two and Cas could almost see the words over Zar’s head that read “If you ever hurt him again …,” but what he actually said was something entirely different.

“Good to see you again.”

“I’d say the same, but right now I would give anything for you to disappear, so …”

“And that’s my cue. Have fun you two and don’t forget protection. Ciao.”

As soon as the bedroom door closed, Dean threw his upper torso on the bed, laughing so hard he almost couldn’t breathe anymore.

After a few moments, Cas felt powerless not to join in. God, what a start for their day.

They ended up in the shower, where he let Dean fuck him against the wall. This time, thankfully no one decided to interrupt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from John Legend, “All of me”


	10. Chapter Seven: Ready For Those Flashing Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re slowly coming to a close …

**Chapter Seven: Ready For Those Flashing Lights**

The press conference was held in one of the conference rooms back at the hotel where the band were staying. The lovers were early enough to be able to sneak up the stairs into Dean’s room for him to get changed into something more professional. The jeans and flannel combo he’d shown up in at Cas’ house three nights ago simply wasn’t.

When they entered the band’s suite, hands intertwined and grinning like only fools in love could, Charlie looked up in concern.

“What have you done?”

“Excuse me?”

Sighing exasperatedly, she held up her tablet. He had no idea on which gossip page she was right now, but the headline read, “Dean Winchester: Gay?”

“Oops.”

“Oops? That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“Charlie, calm down. In case you forgot, that’s exactly why we set up this press conference.”

“I know, I’d just like to understand how this” – she checked her tablet again – “Deanspurgatorygirl81-chick got any wind of you guys.”

As he heard the name, Cas let out a suffering groan, turning towards Dean. “I bet you anything that’s someone from work. My money’s on Becky Rosen. She was there this morning as well.”

Charlie’s raised eyebrow told Dean clearly that she wanted some more details, so he explained in a few short sentences what had happened.

“Damn,” Charlie exclaimed as he finished, getting up to look out of the window. “So much for not making this look like you were pushed out of the closed by rumors.”

“But I’m not,” the singer exclaimed. “We set this circus up two days ago.”

“Doesn’t matter, Dean. You should know that.”

Yes, he knew. It didn’t matter if he told the media afterwards that he had “planned” to come out. As of right now, it would always look like some rumor had left him no choice.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

The small voice of his angel made him look at his lover. There was sorrow in those deep blue eyes and it hurt Dean so much. Pulling him close by their still interlaced fingers, he pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Don’t say sorry, Angel. There’s no need for it.” Turning back to Charlie, he told her in all honesty: “I don’t care how this looks. I’ll tell them the truth and let them judge me as they please. I don’t mind as long as I have Cas.”

For some reason, looking at his friend and manager felt like this was some kind of test. The moment a huge smile spread over Charlie’s face it seemed he’d passed it. “Well then, let’s prepare you guys for the big coming out.”

While Charlie briefed Cas about the press conference, about what he could, and could not talk about, how to behave, and subjects to steer clear of, Dean went to his room to get ready. In the final ten minutes before they had to go down, they talked about the best strategy and Charlie gave them a quick rundown on the most important rumors so Dean wouldn’t be blindsided by any particular question. As always, Charlie would be right there to intervene should any question be out of line, but also to give him some kind of moral support.

Just before leaving the lounge of their suite, the rest of Dean’s band joined them. His friends would be there as well, giving Dean their silent support and also waiting with Cas in the adjacent room until it was his time to step in front of the cameras. The singer felt warm all over, knowing his friends had his back and as he rode down the elevator to the level with the conference room, he knew this would turn out for the best no matter what.

With that knowledge, a last quick kiss for his angel and a deep breath, Dean finally followed Charlie into the conference room and onto the stage.

~*~

He hardly paid attention to what his friend was saying to the press, going over his speech once more in his head. He knew she would explain that this press conference was held because of something Dean Winchester wanted to announce to the public. After that, Charlie looked at him, a clear sign that it was his turn.

Dean looked at the table in front of him, collecting his thoughts, before facing the cameras. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming. Let me start by telling you that we are well aware of some of the rumors doing the rounds right now. But I didn’t ask for this press conference to address them, so pardon me if some of them go unanswered.”

He could feel Charlie shift next to him, but he knew she was professional enough not to grin at his words. He had a hard time staying serious, proud of the sly way he had hopefully undermined the “pushed out of the closet”-theory.

“The reason why I asked you here today is because of a confession I have to make.” Looking over to where Cas was standing in the open door to the adjacent room, still hidden from any cameras, a shy smile made its way to his probably way too serious face. “A confession that is long overdue.” He waited until Cas returned his smile, before turning back towards the press. There was absolutely no hesitation in his voice as he finally declared: “I’m in love with a man.”

At that, uproar spread across the packed room. Cameras went wild, questions were shouted, and everybody vied for his attention. Charlie stepped in, quickly bringing order to the room. As soon as it was quiet enough, Dean started talking again.

“In case you’re wondering: I’m not gay, I’m bisexual, but I guess that doesn’t really matter. Not for me at least. I didn’t exactly keep this a secret, my friends and my family know; I just haven’t made it public until today because … well, because there was just never a reason to do so. Until now.”

The buzzing excitement within the press was almost palpable and it got only louder when Dean’s gaze wandered back to the open door that still hid his angel. Some paparazzi seemed to realize that whoever he was talking about must have been hiding in the next room, some even trying to get close enough to the door to shoot some pictures. Good thing Charlie had positioned security guards.

Keeping his eyes locked with the blue ones of his angel, Dean continued. “Now I’ve found my first love again, and that gives me reason enough – because I don’t plan on hiding him.”

He gave the journalists a moment to calm down again after this revelation before he went on, his eyes back on them.

“Before we go on, I’d like to introduce him to you. Cas, would you please join us?”

As Cas stepped onto the stage, the cameras went crazy once more, but his lover’s eyes were solely trained on him. His soft smile sent the butterflies in Dean’s stomach soaring and he couldn’t resist reaching out for his angel. Cas took his hand as he sat down, but before he could turn to face the media, Dean pulled him in for a soft kiss, well aware that this picture would be going viral within minutes.

Still holding on to Cas’ hand underneath the table, the singer turned towards the press once more. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is Castiel Novak. He’s a pediatrician at the local hospital, my oldest and best friend and yes, he’s also my ‘mysterious’ first love. We have spent the last few days … reconnecting” – well, that was one way to describe it – “and we both realized that not being with the other is simply not an option anymore.”

A smile passed between the two partners that left no question about their love for one another. Seeing as Dean seemed to have finished his speech, Charlie chimed in.

“Alright, folks, you now have the chance for some questions. Please keep it professional; or else we will decline the question. Also, keep it at one question per person.” She picked out a reporter at random and Dean gave the man his full attention.

“Dean, how long have you known about your sexual orientation?”

“Since I was a teenager. I admit, I was confused about it at first, having no idea that bisexuality was even a thing.” Squeezing his angel’s hand, he sent him a quick smile before continuing. “It was actually Cas that explained it to me. I think I was – what was it, sixteen, seventeen?”

“Sixteen,” Cas replied and Dean noticed with satisfaction that his lover’s rough voice made some heads perk up. “It was shortly before your birthday though.”

“Oh, right, I remember.”

“How long did your first relationship last?” came the next question.

Dean let Cas take this one. “A little over five years. It started shortly after I came home from my four years spent abroad and ended just before Dean moved to L.A.” At that, their joined hands gripped just a little tighter – a reassurance they both needed.

“And how did your relationship start back then? Dean, you said you’ve been best friends?”

Charlie let the second question slide; it was just a clarification after all.

“Yes, that’s true,” Dean answered. “We’ve met as little kids and basically grew up together. When Cas went to England for his education we stayed in contact via letters. We both learned more about our sexuality during that time and once he got back, well.” They shared a secret smile, and Dean was sure Cas relived that fateful night at the beach just like he did. “We just clicked.”

The next question was directed at Cas: “Dr. Novak, how much of the song ‘On Different Paths’ and the story Dean told about its origin can you confirm?”

Dean was pretty sure Charlie had briefed him on this particular question. Of course the media wanted to hear how the singer had told lies all those years; how their break-up had either been completely uneventful and Dean had just blown it up to sell a good story; or how it had been way more dramatic, maybe with cheating on either side and not as much of a mutual thing as the singer had made it out to be. Well, they were certainly in for a surprise.

“All of it,” Cas answered without hesitation. “Many of the lyrics are actual things I said to Dean that day. They were true back then, even though saying them out loud hurt more than anything. Like Dean has said many times: We,” he looked at the singer, not sure how much more he should say. Dean just sent him a reassuring smile, so his angel continued. “We still loved each other; we just wanted different things out of life.”

“And that has changed?” the same reporter asked, only to be interrupted by Charlie, reminding them of the one-question-per-person-rule. Dean was pretty sure it would come up again anyway.

“Dean, will this affect your career in any way?”

There it was, the million dollar question.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I guess there will be fans that won’t like this. And I mean both, the fact that I’m bi as well as the fact that I’m off the market now.” That pulled some laughter from his audience, easing Dean’s tension a bit. He really didn’t like press conferences, no matter the subject. “But, you know, I have to say that I honestly don’t care. Not because I don’t care about my fans; cause I do. I really, honestly do. But Cas is the love of my life and he makes me happy. So, I guess any so called fan that begrudges me this happiness is no real fan after all. Other than that, I don’t see how any of this should affect my career.”

“What about your music?” came the follow-up question from the next reporter.

“Seeing how approximately half of the songs I’ve written so far were about Cas anyway, I don’t think much will change. Only maybe they’ll be a bit more upbeat from now on – less heartbreak, more happiness.” He earned another round of chuckles for this as well as a huge smile from his angel. Not caring about their audience, Dean kissed that smile right off his lover’s lips.

“Dr. Novak, you’re a valued local doctor. Will you be leaving your post to travel with Dean?”

“No, of course not,” Cas exclaimed. “I love my job and Dean would never ask something like that of me.” Almost absentmindedly, Dean nodded in confirmation. What a stupid question.

“And do you think your relationship to a famous person will affect your career?”

“How would I know, I’ve never dated anyone famous before.”

Dean joined in with the laughter of the reporters, loving how his angel was able to handle all of this.

The next question, however, made the laughter die instantly. “Are you aware that homosexuality is a sin?”

Dean felt Cas react, but squeezed his hand tight, silently telling him to not say anything. Questions like this were handled by Charlie and no one else.

“I asked you to keep this professional,” his friend spoke up right away, her voice leaving no question to the authority she held with her position as Purgatory’s manager. “I thought it obvious that questions like that would be out of line.”

“What is out of line is a famous person that is able to influence our children’s minds pretending like it is –” They didn’t make it further than that, the outraged voices of other reporters drowning out the rest of their tirade. Charlie had already signaled one of their security guards who immediately escorted the reporter outside – well, pulled them outside might have been a better description. A short round of applause was the security guard’s thanks.

Moving on quickly to distract from the incident, Charlie pointed out the next reporter.

“Dean, you said you had no reason so far to come out. Does that mean you’re actually ashamed of your sexuality and are just doing it for your partner?” It was a sketchy question, especially after what had just happened. But it had been asked in a sincere tone, making Dean and Charlie believe that it was an earnest inquiry, not an accusation.

“No, I’m not ashamed of it. Nor am I ashamed of myself. But I do admit that when I started my career, I was afraid of how this could affect it. I was young, and I had this dream of living from my music, singing my songs on stage, filling huge stadiums. So of course you have those questions in your mind all the time. Like: Will it keep me from having any success? Will I get bad press for it? Will I have no fans at all? Will the world hate me?” He had to pause for a second to put his thoughts in order. “I guess every queer person knows this struggle to some extent. So yes, being able to just be seen with beautiful women made it easier. A lot easier actually. My former manager even pushed me in that direction.” And that would be all he would say about the topic of Dick Roman. “Besides that, I really meant what I said before: I simply had no reason to come out until now.” Looking at Cas again, the last part was for him. “Because no other guy ever caught my attention.”

“So you’re saying there has been no other man after your relationship to Dr. Novak? No secret love affairs?” The question could have sounded accusatory, but the mischievous smile was clear in the reporter’s voice, so Dean rather chuckled about the teasing.

“Nope. Nothing. It has always been Cas for me.”

“Then how come we’re only now hearing about it? Five years of relationship is a long time of your past to hide from the media.”

This was definitely one of the questions Dean had dreaded. But he had to face the music now. The fact that the reporter had asked in the nicest way possible made it a bit easier. Before he could answer, however, Cas jumped in.

“Actually, there has never been any hiding.” Dean couldn’t help himself, he stared at his angel. “As Dean said before, his family as well as his friends have known about it all along. So have those close to me. Why you have found no evidence of our time together, I don’t know. Maybe because you never searched for a man by his side. But,” Cas said, stopping for just a moment. Dean felt his angel’s hand squeeze tighter as he continued. “Part of the reason why Dean never brought up my name in later years was mostly to keep me out of the spotlight. To allow me a normal life and for that I’m really grateful.”

It was not a lie. Even though they hadn’t talked about it directly, of course this had been a reason for Dean as well.

But it wasn’t the full truth either and the singer couldn’t have loved his angel any more in this moment for what he did for him. Of course, the follow-up question as to how his hidden sexuality had anything to do with this matter was still asked, but at least, now it didn’t look like Dean had been a complete ass. Charlie intervened anyway.

“I think Dean already answered this question with his previous statement. So, next question please.”

It went back and forth a while longer. They laughed with the reporters and shared some stories from their youth. One reporter jokingly asked about all the hickeys neither of them had bothered to cover up, to which the both of them just grinned, before Cas answered: “Well, as Dean said: We’ve reconnected.”

Dean was asked about his plans for the future, his band, and his tour. Seeing how it was only a one hour flight from Los Angeles to Monterey, Dean saw no problem in splitting his time between the two cities. Sure, he hated flying, but he would gladly take it if it meant he could be with Cas.

After almost an hour, it was clear that the press conference was winding down, so Charlie announced that they were coming to their last two questions.

“Dean, what advice do you have for your fans? Especially those who are queer and afraid to come out?”

“That’s ehm … that’s a tough one, seeing how it took me so long to follow this advice myself, but, I’d say: be yourself. Because as my best friend once told me: if they’re truly your friends, they’ll stick with you. And that goes for family as well. Because, family don’t end in blood, but I honestly believe it doesn’t start there, either. Family cares about you and they’re there for you, no matter what. They got your back, even when it hurts. That’s family. So you should never be afraid of being yourself. Not with your friends and surely not with your family. Always remember that it’s your life and yours alone. So the only person that can decide who you are and how you want to live it? That’s yourself and no one else.”

He took a deep breath after his speech, letting himself be grounded by the constant presence that was his angel.

“Thank you, Dean, that was lovely,” the same reporter threw in with a warm smile before Charlie pointed out the last one.

“I would like to repeat my colleague’s question that was blocked earlier. You’ve both stated that you split up even though you still loved each other and that different life goals were the reason. So the question was: how has that changed?”

Looking at each other, the two lovers had one of their silent conversations, telling each other things only they would know. It was Dean in the end that answered for both of them.

“I think our life goals regarding our jobs have not changed at all. I’m still a guy who wants to be out on the stage, putting all my emotions into those songs, touching people with my music. And Cas is still a workaholic who saves lives and makes the world a better place because he truly cares for those little patients of his. It’s who we are and changing it would go against everything I just said about being yourself. But, yes, something has changed. I think we grew up. And we’ve realized that work isn’t everything in life. We both know it won’t be easy, not at all. But now we also know how it is to live without the other – and it is hell, let me tell you. So, yes, maybe this relationship won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Maybe it’s cursed because we already failed once. But I’d rather have my Angel, cursed or not. And I’m not sorry for that at all. Because I love him.”

Leaning in Cas gave him a soft kiss on his cheek, before whispering “same” into his ear. For a moment, they sank into their own world as Charlie thanked all the media people for coming and effectively closed the press conference. Last pictures of them were taken and Dean was pretty sure it had not gone unnoticed that they had been holding hands under the table for the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Lady Gaga, “Paparazzi”


	11. Epilogue: Loving Can Mend Your Soul

**Epilogue: Loving Can Mend Your Soul**

Dean was standing on the balcony of his hotel suite, looking out over the Pacific Ocean. The sunrise was at his back, not yet strong enough to warm him, but already the rosy red light played over his fingertips. His guitar lay on the couch, saving the sheets of music from the soft breeze that was ruffling his hair.

In the calm of the morning, it was easy to forget the whirlwind the past two and a half days had been. Minutes after Cas and he had left the conference room, social media had gone wild, leaving Charlie and her assistants no time at all before they had to answer calls from news stations and talk shows and magazines all over the country and even some international inquiries.

Meanwhile, the two lovers had retreated back to Castiel’s house at the beach, security following them. They had spent the rest of Wednesday huddled up on the couch, doing something Charlie had warned them not to do: They read the news about themselves. They’d both been surprised at the overall positive response. Fan-responses to Dean coming out were combinations of congratulations and celebration, the hateful and negative comments here and there just marginalia. Members and friends of the LGBTQ community all over the globe were retweeting and sharing snippets of the press conference, the hashtag #BeYourself trending within minutes. Dean’s personal favorite was the way his fans welcomed Cas at his side. Comments about his angel ranked from “cute kitten” over “hot stuff” to “Doctor Sexy himself”, making his lover blush furiously. With #DeansAngel he even got his own hashtag for pictures and gifs and quotes from and of him. Thinking about that now still made the singer smile.

The next two days, Cas had gone back to work where he was bombarded by more questions, but thankfully only from co-workers and patients, since no paparazzi were allowed in the hospital. Dean had still made sure to have one of his most trusted bodyguards with him because you never knew. His angel had told him how this sudden attention was hard to handle and Dean really hoped it would simmer down soon. Cas had never been the object of so much interest and the singer knew he found it exhausting, yet also exhilarating in some ways. He had to answer the same questions over and over: Yes, he was in love. Yes, it was Dean Winchester, lead singer of Purgatory. No, they did not have a secret love affair for all these years. “You know,” Cas had told him that first night. “At least my little patients seem to have no interest in my love life other than the fact that it’s ‘awesome’ and ‘so cool’ and ‘could we please get a private concert?’” The fact that Cas had made actual air quotes had the singer smiling that night, promising his love that he would think about a private concert for the little munchkins.

He himself had spent the two days actually catching up with other old friends. The nights, however, had belonged only to them with no disruption from anyone. Well, other than Gabriel, but Dean didn’t really mind. Somehow, the little trickster was growing on him.

Too bad he couldn’t join them now. Because the singer was actually not alone in his hotel suite in San Francisco …

A smile spread across Dean’s face and he let out a contented sigh as he felt strong arms sneak around his torso and soft lips pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“You’ve been up all night, haven’t you?”

“Sorry?”

“What? Tired of sleeping next to me already?”

Turning around, the singer pulled his angel closer and planted a kiss right on his lips, morning breath be damned.

“Never.”

Cuddling close to Dean’s chest, head under his chin so that unruly hair tickled him, Cas reminded the singer of the “cute kitten” some of his fans had called him.

“Well, is the song done at least?”

He closed his eyes, pulled his angel impossibly closer and hummed in confirmation. How lucky could he get to be given a second chance with this man that knew him so well?

“Yes,” he answered and for the first time, he felt the tiredness in his bones. He didn’t care. “I wanna play it to you.”

“Later,” Cas replied, already taking his hands to pull the singer back inside. “For now, we’re going back to bed and you’ll actually sleep for a few hours.”

“But –”

“No buts,” Cas cut him off, pressing another kiss on his lips. “You have a concert tonight and a whole tour that follows. I know you need your four hours of sleep at least.”

Not complaining about it any longer, Dean simply followed his angel and complied right away as his lover lay down and pulled him into his arms. Sighing happily once more, Dean cuddled close as he was already about to drift off.

“Love you, Angel.”

“And I love you.”

And while their hearts were finally beating as one again, the new song “All Of Me” rested in the early light of a beautiful sunrise.

~*~*~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from Ed Sheeran, “Photograph”
> 
> And that’s it :)  
> Well, not completely, actually, cause just like with my Disney Store-AU, I fell so much in love with these two that I can promise you there will be more in the future ;) and I’m completely open to wishes for any past or future scenes you’d like to see. Just tell me and I’ll see if it fits in the lives I’ve planned for them …
> 
> Postscript:  
> I’d like to say a huge thanks to those that helped me with this fic:  
> \- Sarah ([Feathers7501](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501/)), for beta reading and so much more than that (you’re the best)  
> \- Angi ([EthneDragon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EthneDragon)), for jumping in as beta when Sarah was indisposed  
> \- Amanda ([GirlsRuletheWorld](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlsRuletheWorld/)), for being amazing  
> \- Myri, for helping with the translation  
> \- Constanze ([afraidoffallingangelsinthedark](http://archiveofourown.org/users/afraidoffallingangelsinthedark)), for helping with the translation and of course and most importantly: for actually letting me use your drabble as inspiration for this fic (told you I could give it a happy ending :P )  
> \- and last but not least all the users from the Supernatural and Destiel groups on facebook who always helped me whenever I got stuck, from finding the right breed Gabe would be as a cat, to the username Becky would have – thank you all so much <3


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